Saturday 26 December 2020
Why Do Girls 'Friend Zone'You ?
Through out a man's romantic life, from preschool to the elderly care home, he will make advances on a woman and often get a 'let's just be friends'.
Women get this too, but hey, here we come into just why men don't understand the FZ thing and get so perplexed by it. Because if a woman get's friend zoned then it is for three simple reasons
1) He is in a stable relationship
2) He absolutely does not find you attractive (or his type, or you are too attractive for him to be comfortable with )
3) He is gay, or worse perhaps, asexual.
Men then try and interpret a woman*s 'FZ' reaction to their amorous advances, in what they as men understand- how they would react themselves.
There can be truth in that above, one to three. But women have a whole list which comes under 'let me think about it' if you could attempt to summarise.
We have to understand that men are by in large more sexually motivated than women. This is of course a cultural stereotype, or conformity, but it in many many psychological studies from McKinsey's days, the biological mold fits. Women invest a womb, 9 months gestation, a year or two breast feeding, and years of most often being primary care worker. Men want to penetrate and enjoy possessing a valuable woman. Kids are part of cultural conditioning and keeping that valuable woman happy and possessed.
So we have sorted the biology out a little. More on that later, but what about the psychology?
Well women find it harder to make up their minds about men, than men do about women. However famous men, or those with stereotypically masculine jobs, are knicker droppers. Clint Eastwood, George Clooney, and any fireman who works out a bit. When we come to the fact that ALL male fire fighters are happily married to NURSES ( LOL ) and George and Brad are otherwise occupied, then we come down to earth with the regular joes.
So the first dilema for a woman is ' Do I need a boyfriend anyway?' .....back to biology. Studies show that women are more receptive to mens advances on and around their ovulation and least when their period is very near. They are no per se / necessarily consciously sexually arousable, but they are more likely to enter positive social contact with the oppostie sex.
So we can start to imagine possible cures to this ill of being put in the FZ by a girl you are hot for , and maybe feel there has been signals over the coffee machine or while walking dogs in the park.
The second dilema is ' how does he compare to the others?' . Attractive women ALWAYS have men after them. They have older men, younger men, married men and divorced men making little advances. Often on a daily basis at work. Some make bigger advances and they too, get FZed ....or they enter an innappropriate affair for some attention and sex. So guys, I have been here....two years ago, a lot of heart wrenching shit I had to go through to conclude the girl of my dreams was carrying on with a married man, and I was a kind of distraction from the stress of having but not owning him.
Women can weigh you up then.
So let us see then, aha, yes these two issues of choice making are unfortunetly interrelated. That is to say, this same girl in an innappropriate affair, may have reacted differently to me if I had met her when she was ovulating. In fact it went a lot longer than that but she held me off.
So how do we sort this all out?
Well there are always methods of coping with this.
Firstly, unlike me, never let a friend zone develop when you really have the hots for a girl. You are building a nasty little prison for yourself where you will always be looking out the window at the love life outside but not getting let out early for good behaviour.
One approach is to to just back off , hands up, and say , sorry , I'm not your type. Hmm, well that is accepting a Knock Back like a good loser. BUT what if you have to work with this girl or see her every day walking your dog ??? This then becomes red faces on at least one side. But if it is someone you have met briefly or don't need to see often, then yes, just say, ok, sorry I'm not maybe your type. Linger then a little with some eye contact to see if this was just a kind of shy, reflex response which is another difference between average man and average woman.
In what ever scenario, you have to be prepared to do the same thing. Walk away. Attractive women will be used to advances, maybe not had one in a while, but they will also be used to having to live with it and just brush the whole thing off and carry on being colleagues or what ever. But putting you in the friends zone is like putting the caller on hold when you know you actually don't have the capacity or motivation to deal with the enquiry there and then.+*
So another approach is to bluff over to accept her offer. LJBF. Ok . " Sure, we can hang out and do some friends things, whats your number?' This is the wise guy's line of action. If it is a pure brush off then you wont get a number.
And what do you do with said number or Snap handle? Reply saying, here >I am, you seem like a fun person to be around. Chat another time.
Now you are walking away. You have made your play. If she is interested in you, you will by all means get a reply. BUT she will probably be FZing you once again because now you are a little doggy on a lead, one of maybe two, three, ten suitors.....She has you chasing after her but she has all the control in the FZ to get to know you and to consider you versus the others.
So she replies. Send a smiley. You don't reply until next day. Give a polite reply. Then if she wants to chat, say sorry, you are busy. Already you have her on the back foot a little. She wants to pull doggy on the lead out for a nice walk, see how you trott along beside her. Already you are setting a higher price on what you don't do with her than that which she wants to do with you. CHat and consider you.
After this you can then choose to suddenly engage in a funny, or meaningful chat with them. Or if you see them at work judge the body language. Are they seeking you ? Are they even playing hard to get? Or are they just not that interested in fact and take off those rose tinted spectacles.
Now this is obviously a stale mate in maybe a large majority of cases here. She isn't sure about you, probably either too shy, or too conditioned into expecting the man to make all the moves. In effect if you are hot for each other, but she is just holding up on a decision, you are in the Mexican stand off, each side not wanting to shoot because you may anhilate the yourself in the battle of wills. It is check, but far my friend from Check Mate
Most guys sit and dwell on this and think about esculating. This is what loads of books and blogs talk about. Basically this means luring the girl into a more date type scenario in the hope she enters the non friends zone, the moved on to kissing zone. THis is a bit wrong because by this time unless she has made any propositions in this direction, you are the little doggy on the lead and she has the power to decide in yet another amorous advance scenario.
At this stage with nothing to loose you could say, hey, why don't we try going out a little and see if there is a chemistry ? Then you are forcing a decision rather than trying to make circumstances fit when, for the hidden unebknown to man infront of her reasons, that approach may well fail because she doesn't have to decided YET again. Remember attractive women get greater or lesser veiled passes made at them on a regular basis, you have to be lucky that they are recpetive sometimes and you hit that button there and then.
Another thing you can use then, which I had success with recently after being FZ, is saying, OK, I understand you just want to be pals, and say in two three weeks time I will have cooled off, be dating from Tinder in that direction, and we can be pals'
NOW we are hitting the nail on the head. Response? OK I understand, you are a man of flesh and bone, we can chat in two weeks time. Later on, 9pm same night I get this reply " thinking of you...." . I tested the water, is she interested in getting to know me or is it just BS? Does she have something more there? IS she afraid of missing out on me ?
The key to the whole game forward os FOM. The old sellers tactic. This offer is only for this week. Fear of Missing out. Now on the one hand maybe a girl is afraid of making the WRONG choice or if they just have you in front of them, that you MAY be wrong for them., That is their emotional dilema. Now with FOM, you just presented them with a whole new, over riding dilema. That your valuable body, mind and skills will be lost to another woman.
So here you have two main tools then. Being prepared to walk away, and limiting your valuable time to make yourself seem more valuable and harder to get. THen creating a tension that you are soon not going to be available. I had better nab him now before someone else does
Here I went way wrong and was a little honest and dishonest. I didnt want a GF really, but she was soooooo goooood a match for me that I was prepared to be in the FZ. and I said that to her. So I became a zombie. In the land of the sexual dead, which she couldnt over come,. Neither could she choose me over the married man she is now with today, nor could she see that I was going to withdraw my availability. She even asked me round the houses if people should just have a ONS and be hjonest about it. She was flailing around unable to press herself into choosing me because there was zero pressure, I was there, little doggy jumping up on her lap. I tried pulling away, but she would come witha caring text message after four or five days. So I got more entrenched in my own dilemma and tried to rationalise yes, this will be ok, just pals is fine even though the fly on the wall could see we were (in retrospect of others ) in love with each other.
FOM also brings us into how to build FOM instead of luring someone into dating. It is opportunities to DENY and make JEALOUS.
1) You arrange a coffee meet out of work times. You cancel, in polite time. If she asks why, you say you have a date
2) You conspire to go to a party or the pub, when you know there will be other girls there. GO either early or late, and make a point of flirting like hell with other girls around the place. Even if you are in no way interested in them! As long as it is highly visible.
3) The big one. If you are regular friendly, and there has been more than one or two reminders of "we are just friends" then ask her straight out if she has any attractive single pals, or ask her if she knows if such and such is single. THis is risky as it is the ultimate rejection. It is saying to her face, I am finished with any interest in you, I am well and truyly in the market though, help me out and at least be a little useful to me.
Through all this you have to judge the body language and how she reacts to all this, but you are prepared to walk away from any more than a polite and nice working or dog walking relationship. For me, well I would just know I guess I can read that much, but what are the buying signs?
Well as above , a buying sign may first arrive when you first make it clear that you dont want to invest much time in her. You are not an idle text distraction. Friendship might be something the opposite sex can have with a mild attraction, but if you have the hots for her, it is as well as saying ok, go back on the rail, nice to look at, looks like I can't afford you right now. You need to establish a higher value and see if they set a higher price than the FZ on you.
Buying signs can be subtle though, but usually FOM gives a decided facial and physical response which shows she is ready to say yes. A little fear there and then. A little reaching out, laying them selves open to fire. And spoon feeding you it may seem to her too. Usually things will conspire to a meeting in some form or other, and very often there are co conspirators at play setting you up with her in a situation. Usually in western countries, involving alcohol as a kind of loosening oil for the cogs of attraction to finally be unleashed on both sides.
Another approach when the signals are very unclear leads on from this co-conspirator. I have discussed this with a few women recently and in fact, it will be more illuminating and less risky than you think, especially in slightly older girls when they have a good BFF. You've had fifty fifty, now you are going to ask a friend .. her bestie to be precise.
It really cannot be anyone else, I tried not long ago to ask about a former colleague by asking her whom sits beside her everyday, and she said yeah, she is single I think....only to find out the contrary. Also looser pals, colleagues, team mates, old school compartiots may have hidden agendas. True a BFF may want to protect her BF from you,. But it is EXTREMELY likely that you have been discussed until her BFF is sick and tired of it, and wants as much as anyone, closure in this matter. So ask her. Simple as, I have gotten to know Mary and you knwo she is great, but she is sending me odd signals these days...should I ask her out ? I mean a romantic direction? A BFF will want the best for her pal, and if she says dont know then she is lying to protect you. You are the little doggy on the lead, while Mary there is intent on someone else and you are an also ran. "Sure, why not (erm ??" is kust as bad, in other words you aint good enough to be talked about with BFF which just wouldnt happen if you were. A BFF may not like the idea of you per se, but if Mary is keen, then she will say.
It may not be a bad thing to obviously flirt with a BFF in front of Mary here , but really it is nt a tall ask to just phone her, avoid texting so that you can get an idea of the tone of the reply. Or even better ask her for a coffee to discuss mary. Rejection of this approach reflects the feeling there in wee Mary. That this is a bad idea, and in fact, maybe you were FZ'ed just to be polite.
So here is a final word of warning about being put firmly in the FZ, and then trying to escalate and just going deeper into being smitten and loved up and all is just unrequited.
Wednesday 22 July 2020
More Fire from the Tinder
Is Tinder plus and Gold worth it?
Well yes ..,,,and No
A lot of people are tempted to get the pay for upgrades after their first few days of little if any success, or quick dismissals from passing flirty matches.
However here in lies the rub.
Firstly Tinder has by now an infamous algorythm which presents highly ranked (liked) people first in your scanning, They let the users generate a piopularity and attractiveness rating system by just getting on with swiping right. See last blog, a cynical plot mayeb to get unattractive people to pay, and clear out attractive people into relationships so they don't clog up the band width with pretty free loaders.
This ranking though takes ages to settle down, maybe three days or even more. You can probably fox it a bit by waiting to install your app while you are in a large town or a city, thus getting a higher arithmetic like ranking by pure critical mass and chain reaction.
Second Rub
Tinder will always show you the ones who liked YOU, first. They are amongst the first ten you see, often thrown in even if they live outside the radius you have fixed yourself.
So you could just drop buying the app to see your likes.
Well for me I paid this time to be able to see my likes and work my way through them rather than random swiping. It explains though a lot of ' oh god, not her AGAIN* because wherever you travel or relocate virtually to in Gold, they follow you like a bad smell until you unlike them, then they either delete and come on again (i nbelieve) next week, or Tinder deletes the Nope and lets them out in the paddock again.
Now most of them are, ahem, not going to go anywhere with me, but they help a lot in boosting my own alogrythm pideion hole of likeability. I can then work methodically through them.This is what appeals to me, that the odd gold nugget lands on you and you don't miss them, they have found you on their criteria of age and distance not yours of course,
This means in theory that you can do things like build up to a series of dates in a near by town, by selecting to convert two or three likes into mathces from that town or area.
Or you can try out different strategies, like matching them all but not writing to any of them, seeing then who is really keen on you and makes the first move. Usually that is what marks out the ego like seekers from the ones looking for a man.
Results ?
Well so far I would say the results are slightly better quality than from not g when I last had the app installed. I feel I could control my mathcing, and avoid swiping on the open market so to speak all together. But I can't becaise I am like a shark in a shoal of tuna, I want to bite out here and there, see if I get a catche.
What I am really hoping for is the following though
A lonely babe, fed up with troiphy hunters, either too young or too pretty to get a swipe from me, lies there in YOur Likes inbox like a winning lottery ticket. Or that a lurker, one who peeps out once in a while to like not quite understanding how tinder works, will like me and then I will be one of the very few matches she gets. Or a new, hot babe, is on the tinder swipe-wave and I catch her before the other guys who don't pay to play.
Well yes ..,,,and No
A lot of people are tempted to get the pay for upgrades after their first few days of little if any success, or quick dismissals from passing flirty matches.
However here in lies the rub.
Firstly Tinder has by now an infamous algorythm which presents highly ranked (liked) people first in your scanning, They let the users generate a piopularity and attractiveness rating system by just getting on with swiping right. See last blog, a cynical plot mayeb to get unattractive people to pay, and clear out attractive people into relationships so they don't clog up the band width with pretty free loaders.
This ranking though takes ages to settle down, maybe three days or even more. You can probably fox it a bit by waiting to install your app while you are in a large town or a city, thus getting a higher arithmetic like ranking by pure critical mass and chain reaction.
Second Rub
Tinder will always show you the ones who liked YOU, first. They are amongst the first ten you see, often thrown in even if they live outside the radius you have fixed yourself.
So you could just drop buying the app to see your likes.
Well for me I paid this time to be able to see my likes and work my way through them rather than random swiping. It explains though a lot of ' oh god, not her AGAIN* because wherever you travel or relocate virtually to in Gold, they follow you like a bad smell until you unlike them, then they either delete and come on again (i nbelieve) next week, or Tinder deletes the Nope and lets them out in the paddock again.
Now most of them are, ahem, not going to go anywhere with me, but they help a lot in boosting my own alogrythm pideion hole of likeability. I can then work methodically through them.This is what appeals to me, that the odd gold nugget lands on you and you don't miss them, they have found you on their criteria of age and distance not yours of course,
This means in theory that you can do things like build up to a series of dates in a near by town, by selecting to convert two or three likes into mathces from that town or area.
Or you can try out different strategies, like matching them all but not writing to any of them, seeing then who is really keen on you and makes the first move. Usually that is what marks out the ego like seekers from the ones looking for a man.
Results ?
Well so far I would say the results are slightly better quality than from not g when I last had the app installed. I feel I could control my mathcing, and avoid swiping on the open market so to speak all together. But I can't becaise I am like a shark in a shoal of tuna, I want to bite out here and there, see if I get a catche.
What I am really hoping for is the following though
A lonely babe, fed up with troiphy hunters, either too young or too pretty to get a swipe from me, lies there in YOur Likes inbox like a winning lottery ticket. Or that a lurker, one who peeps out once in a while to like not quite understanding how tinder works, will like me and then I will be one of the very few matches she gets. Or a new, hot babe, is on the tinder swipe-wave and I catch her before the other guys who don't pay to play.
Monday 29 June 2020
The Hinterland of Tinderland
What lies behind the scenes at Tinder?
Well the fact is in principle Tinder is very, very simple . You see people to your criteria, and others see you if you are in their criteria. A simple bit of SQL programming and in a local small country server, not very intensive on bandwidth or CPU time. So you have space for quite a lot of photos.
However the Gods of Tinder have put a weird little twist on this with an algorythm which serves up the most liked, ie popular, people first in any search (discover window) :
Why this somewhat "lookist" approach? I am a bit baffled. Like the Rich getting Richer, the more attractive get shown more often.
This maybe for Tinder to get shot of the attractive ones asap. Low server load after an initial peak, as they enter reality land and dating. They themselves feel Tinder has been worth while, not paid for it,
Or is it a more insipid approach, to make the lonely, lonelier? To make them cough up for Tinder plus or Tinder Gold in order to get more likes from people, well , around their own level of attractiveness.
Perhaps it is simpler. The populist algorythm makes Tinder as a whole seem like a more fabulous pretty people night club? And this is the simplest means of sorting , let the punters do it - more CGM, consumer generated prioritising of prettier people.
Well here is a little old club trade secret. At night club launches and first weekends open, or when they are performing a little lack lustrery, they hire in models (usually hiring girls for hetero clubs) to make the place looks sexier. Sort of also ran models, and descreet escort agency girls and any common or garden pretty student they have managed to press gang. Does Tinder pay for Trolls or have AlgoBots with fake profiles ? I doubt it very much indeed. Margins per customer are like the distance between subaatomic particles, they are pico wafer thin. They rely on volume, and that it is a consumer generated media. They aren't going to pay people to troll you.
So perhapsTinder is most likely trying to shine with the glossy people first, making the poorly liked feel poorer. Relying on the old thing that attractive people don't have to pay to play, but the uglier ones have to buy lots of drinks for themselves and their would be squeezes, so that they feel they have invested in something. Cynical ? Well hey, they seem to make hee haw money from Advertising I guess by the paltry number of ads for a free app in outset, so they are trying to make as much as they can for their share holders as any other company. Attractive people are like your advertising budget, you don't know how much is wasted, but you need an image which sells.
Now how about another little oddity I noticed. It does seem that Tinder seems to serve up new people fisrt, but possibly people who have turned off their profile become new too. Personally I think that Tinder rations how many folk you see, because when I run dry of new people, I switch firstly my profile off, then wifi off, and within a minute I am back on in reverse order only to find one or two new and often hot profiles.
I also like switching it off because then I believe that vice versa is true for my profile, and I get served up more often. Which can be a disadvantage come-to-think of it, because then you look like a desperado, always appearing in the in box !
TInder does do one thing though which is annoying, it stretches the distance search above that of your criteria when you go dry, and serves up people who have hidden their distance in Gold. THis is an irritation, because there is no way I am having a relationship with anyone over an hour away.
IS TINDER GOLD WORTH THE MONEY ?
Why do you want to hide your age? Why do you want to Hide your Location?
These are both no-no's for me, although I have tried it and then when I get matches, put either one I am sort of testing, up, or both to then show my cards to my matches.
Also there then is the changing location. You can search anywhere you like. I tried Buenos Aeres having heard of the hot (my type) Brunettes there, and was not disappointed. THey also really look after them selves and look ten years younger ! But that was just tom foolery.
However if you are thinking of moving to a place or just like a place a little outside your daily life radius, then that is a good feature. TO be frank I don't think I ever wangled a date out of it, and I have been on maybe 6 physical dates, the firth producing a year long very nice relationship ( other wise there would have been more dates, sthupid) . So I don't know.
Then of course there is getting to see who likes you. Now at first this seemed exciting, then I was shocked at how far away , even arboad, many lived and also how many divorced immigrant ladies with terrible grammar there were. I am not hooking up with a cleaner from Venezuala thank you very much. There were the desperadas and the pictures of landscape 'shy trolls' .
It does look very like another little trick of Tinder is that your latest "like-you" profiles appear number two and three in the next round of profiles once you have been off a while.
So I paid for somethign I kind of get anyway, but Amongst them all, there were some gold nuggets. So gaily, sorry, straightly, I venture into engaging them all in Chat. BIG Mistake
CURE FOR CHAT OVERLOAD
More than Two Chats becomes total overload. In fact you are better with one at a time. It jut gets too much of hearing what they do, where they live, how many kids etc. I go right in with "what is a nice girl like you...:" or just "Why are you on Tinder then ?"
So, the strategy is to use Tinder Gold and pick out, one by one your likes. You can totally avoid swiping apart from this. It is a waste of swiping away if you have paid to see your likes first. You may as well carry on and let folk like you, by switching off your profile for a few days at a time.
Also here is a little kind of trick. You can research which pictures get most likes, or just vary the type of appeal you capture, homely, sporty etc, and see who likes you, using this approach. See what is most popular. Tinder does regurgitate your non likes or previous matches, or used to at least, at some point down the line.
Now there is another wee benefit of Tinder gold, see your likes. You can put all the like you's, whome you don't likr, who would otherwise turn up like bad pennies. But that doesn't happen so often now. Maybe Tinder is popular enough that no like means just that, bye bye.....until of course you delete profile.
Patience is a virtue.
How many can you realistically expect to date at the same sort of time, initially? If you live in a metropolis then maybe it is easy to line up some speed dates at a Starbucks down town, but if you live in less than huge place, then you are most likely going to end up with one-date-at-a-time or long waits around coffee shops for the next one, getting stood up too.
Impatience on Tinder is risky though. This is where we get into Super Liking and Chance. Both are sessentially forced matches, because some Superlikes go straight to match apparently, and chance matches are just out of the blue, usually with someone with a fairly new and quite popular profile it seems. I had one very, very my type super like me on my new round of Tindering recently.
Also when you have apparently 'ghosting' matches, if they look like genuine profiles and they are ghosting you, then make a quality decision. In agreement with a friends attitude, I regularly dropped them after saying "hello, nice to match" and waiting a day. But people are busy and also they are working their way through the list of matches, which in ANY attractive females case will be long as they get bags of superlikes. Let them weed out the one-night-standers, perverts, married men/women, fake profiles and economic catastrophe divorce victims before they get to you, a golden nugget !
Also I ghost too. Often now, because I find that girls who really have the spark for me, make contact very soon. Whereas girls who don't and offer a look warm reply, just want to chat and be impressed by your chat contra the dozens of other men theyt have chatted too, but dare not meet up with (because they are shy, or inhibuted, dammaged or in a relationship)
SO IS GOLD WORTH IT?
Well you can use Tinder Gold in different ways for different objectives, but if you plain and simply want to meet a local partner , or someone you really like the look of further afield, then it is a bit of a waste of money most likely. If you like the 'relocation' feature, fine, and it can be used in combination with hidiing your distance such that you pop up early in their profile show reel and they maybe choose you instead of thinking you are too far away.
As for Hiding Age, well that is a big rich, if you hide age and distance and have an iffy Tinderhandle then you promote a kind of bad image of yourself without realising it perhaps. Evasive and not quite honest. You can simply lie about your age if you want to appear younger , or older.
Seeing your likes? Well that is an interesting feature for doing research because you can go in and see them, maybe even google them if they have a rare name for the location, and take your time to match them. You can be patient and work your way through them one by one too, only matching when you want to, and making an effort to think about a nice first and second date on neutral ground.
My main recommendation is not how you get as far as matches, but what you damn well do with them. Chatters avoid the issue of dating, they want to chat, and move over to snap to chat, and FB you, soon as you know it it has all been for nothing. People in the market for a date need to be asked out after an initial preamble and some humour. That is the besty point to do it actually, crack a wee joke , maybe poke fun at yourself, then say, sooo, would you like to meet up for a coffee?
If they chat-zone you at this point, to get-to-know-you-better, then be wary, and if they avoid the issue, then they are just there to waste your time, perhaps revenging an unfaifthul spouse by being naughty - flirty but safe .Whatever, after a move like this, chat a lot less. Ask a few questions about what you want to know, and maybe avoid answering their questions. Then talk about what you like doing more, what might be a perfect first date, or perfect romantic second date. .....then pop it again.
After that it is best to either just say, sorry you are not interested in meeting me and getting to know me as the real person, goodbye. Or say you have met someone, dating them , and like one at a time. Chat next week ? Or say you are not very good at chat really, and ghost them. I wouldn't bother taking them to Snap chat because you can share more pictures with them, privately, by hiding your profile and putting them up on Tinder. They appear in Stream and they can and will see them believe me. Go to snap or Messenger AFTER you secure a date, or the principle of a date.
My ex came out the closet to me as a "chatter". She is too embarressed and inhibited to go on dates, She likes the attention and someone new to talk to, but has no intention of going further, even with VERY attractive men who have great luxury lives and expensive stuff, and are nice and kind it seems. What a waste of space.
How long should chat go? Well someone who is a bit wordly wise and been on some Tinder dates will be ok with a little half hour chat max, then arranging to meet. If they seem to have a real profile then you can exchange telephone numbers, or move over to messenger or Snap. Telephone numbers these days are really good, because you can instantly find out their full name and then FB search them and Linked in Etc to profile them for old picturing (GOD GIRLS STOP THAT ! BE HONEST) or massive attention seeking on Face' and Insta'
There are some very shy, or dammaged people out there who despite being genuine and not **chatters** want to spend time on line getting to know you. Some will hold you to Tinder because it is safest, most anonymous. That really is difficult, because they appear just like a chatter. But the way round this is to ask if they are painfully shy, saying sorry do you mind me asking? I did this recently with a really pretty German girl, and she said, absolutely not LOL...so I kind of knew she was just pissing about, not interested in a date.
At the end of the day, good old biochemistry has it ALL to say really. You can build up a false prospect on line, and find out they are odd, or have really old pictures out on Tinder or so on. BUt meeting someone and the first glances, body scan, smile and then laugh and hey, that is what it is about.
Tinder and all the dating apps can't subsittute that, they just facilitate more meetings in person, and you should drop Chatters asap.
Well the fact is in principle Tinder is very, very simple . You see people to your criteria, and others see you if you are in their criteria. A simple bit of SQL programming and in a local small country server, not very intensive on bandwidth or CPU time. So you have space for quite a lot of photos.
However the Gods of Tinder have put a weird little twist on this with an algorythm which serves up the most liked, ie popular, people first in any search (discover window) :
Why this somewhat "lookist" approach? I am a bit baffled. Like the Rich getting Richer, the more attractive get shown more often.
This maybe for Tinder to get shot of the attractive ones asap. Low server load after an initial peak, as they enter reality land and dating. They themselves feel Tinder has been worth while, not paid for it,
Or is it a more insipid approach, to make the lonely, lonelier? To make them cough up for Tinder plus or Tinder Gold in order to get more likes from people, well , around their own level of attractiveness.
Perhaps it is simpler. The populist algorythm makes Tinder as a whole seem like a more fabulous pretty people night club? And this is the simplest means of sorting , let the punters do it - more CGM, consumer generated prioritising of prettier people.
Well here is a little old club trade secret. At night club launches and first weekends open, or when they are performing a little lack lustrery, they hire in models (usually hiring girls for hetero clubs) to make the place looks sexier. Sort of also ran models, and descreet escort agency girls and any common or garden pretty student they have managed to press gang. Does Tinder pay for Trolls or have AlgoBots with fake profiles ? I doubt it very much indeed. Margins per customer are like the distance between subaatomic particles, they are pico wafer thin. They rely on volume, and that it is a consumer generated media. They aren't going to pay people to troll you.
So perhapsTinder is most likely trying to shine with the glossy people first, making the poorly liked feel poorer. Relying on the old thing that attractive people don't have to pay to play, but the uglier ones have to buy lots of drinks for themselves and their would be squeezes, so that they feel they have invested in something. Cynical ? Well hey, they seem to make hee haw money from Advertising I guess by the paltry number of ads for a free app in outset, so they are trying to make as much as they can for their share holders as any other company. Attractive people are like your advertising budget, you don't know how much is wasted, but you need an image which sells.
Now how about another little oddity I noticed. It does seem that Tinder seems to serve up new people fisrt, but possibly people who have turned off their profile become new too. Personally I think that Tinder rations how many folk you see, because when I run dry of new people, I switch firstly my profile off, then wifi off, and within a minute I am back on in reverse order only to find one or two new and often hot profiles.
I also like switching it off because then I believe that vice versa is true for my profile, and I get served up more often. Which can be a disadvantage come-to-think of it, because then you look like a desperado, always appearing in the in box !
TInder does do one thing though which is annoying, it stretches the distance search above that of your criteria when you go dry, and serves up people who have hidden their distance in Gold. THis is an irritation, because there is no way I am having a relationship with anyone over an hour away.
IS TINDER GOLD WORTH THE MONEY ?
Why do you want to hide your age? Why do you want to Hide your Location?
These are both no-no's for me, although I have tried it and then when I get matches, put either one I am sort of testing, up, or both to then show my cards to my matches.
Also there then is the changing location. You can search anywhere you like. I tried Buenos Aeres having heard of the hot (my type) Brunettes there, and was not disappointed. THey also really look after them selves and look ten years younger ! But that was just tom foolery.
However if you are thinking of moving to a place or just like a place a little outside your daily life radius, then that is a good feature. TO be frank I don't think I ever wangled a date out of it, and I have been on maybe 6 physical dates, the firth producing a year long very nice relationship ( other wise there would have been more dates, sthupid) . So I don't know.
Then of course there is getting to see who likes you. Now at first this seemed exciting, then I was shocked at how far away , even arboad, many lived and also how many divorced immigrant ladies with terrible grammar there were. I am not hooking up with a cleaner from Venezuala thank you very much. There were the desperadas and the pictures of landscape 'shy trolls' .
It does look very like another little trick of Tinder is that your latest "like-you" profiles appear number two and three in the next round of profiles once you have been off a while.
So I paid for somethign I kind of get anyway, but Amongst them all, there were some gold nuggets. So gaily, sorry, straightly, I venture into engaging them all in Chat. BIG Mistake
CURE FOR CHAT OVERLOAD
More than Two Chats becomes total overload. In fact you are better with one at a time. It jut gets too much of hearing what they do, where they live, how many kids etc. I go right in with "what is a nice girl like you...:" or just "Why are you on Tinder then ?"
So, the strategy is to use Tinder Gold and pick out, one by one your likes. You can totally avoid swiping apart from this. It is a waste of swiping away if you have paid to see your likes first. You may as well carry on and let folk like you, by switching off your profile for a few days at a time.
Also here is a little kind of trick. You can research which pictures get most likes, or just vary the type of appeal you capture, homely, sporty etc, and see who likes you, using this approach. See what is most popular. Tinder does regurgitate your non likes or previous matches, or used to at least, at some point down the line.
Now there is another wee benefit of Tinder gold, see your likes. You can put all the like you's, whome you don't likr, who would otherwise turn up like bad pennies. But that doesn't happen so often now. Maybe Tinder is popular enough that no like means just that, bye bye.....until of course you delete profile.
Patience is a virtue.
How many can you realistically expect to date at the same sort of time, initially? If you live in a metropolis then maybe it is easy to line up some speed dates at a Starbucks down town, but if you live in less than huge place, then you are most likely going to end up with one-date-at-a-time or long waits around coffee shops for the next one, getting stood up too.
Impatience on Tinder is risky though. This is where we get into Super Liking and Chance. Both are sessentially forced matches, because some Superlikes go straight to match apparently, and chance matches are just out of the blue, usually with someone with a fairly new and quite popular profile it seems. I had one very, very my type super like me on my new round of Tindering recently.
Also when you have apparently 'ghosting' matches, if they look like genuine profiles and they are ghosting you, then make a quality decision. In agreement with a friends attitude, I regularly dropped them after saying "hello, nice to match" and waiting a day. But people are busy and also they are working their way through the list of matches, which in ANY attractive females case will be long as they get bags of superlikes. Let them weed out the one-night-standers, perverts, married men/women, fake profiles and economic catastrophe divorce victims before they get to you, a golden nugget !
Also I ghost too. Often now, because I find that girls who really have the spark for me, make contact very soon. Whereas girls who don't and offer a look warm reply, just want to chat and be impressed by your chat contra the dozens of other men theyt have chatted too, but dare not meet up with (because they are shy, or inhibuted, dammaged or in a relationship)
SO IS GOLD WORTH IT?
Well you can use Tinder Gold in different ways for different objectives, but if you plain and simply want to meet a local partner , or someone you really like the look of further afield, then it is a bit of a waste of money most likely. If you like the 'relocation' feature, fine, and it can be used in combination with hidiing your distance such that you pop up early in their profile show reel and they maybe choose you instead of thinking you are too far away.
As for Hiding Age, well that is a big rich, if you hide age and distance and have an iffy Tinderhandle then you promote a kind of bad image of yourself without realising it perhaps. Evasive and not quite honest. You can simply lie about your age if you want to appear younger , or older.
Seeing your likes? Well that is an interesting feature for doing research because you can go in and see them, maybe even google them if they have a rare name for the location, and take your time to match them. You can be patient and work your way through them one by one too, only matching when you want to, and making an effort to think about a nice first and second date on neutral ground.
My main recommendation is not how you get as far as matches, but what you damn well do with them. Chatters avoid the issue of dating, they want to chat, and move over to snap to chat, and FB you, soon as you know it it has all been for nothing. People in the market for a date need to be asked out after an initial preamble and some humour. That is the besty point to do it actually, crack a wee joke , maybe poke fun at yourself, then say, sooo, would you like to meet up for a coffee?
If they chat-zone you at this point, to get-to-know-you-better, then be wary, and if they avoid the issue, then they are just there to waste your time, perhaps revenging an unfaifthul spouse by being naughty - flirty but safe .Whatever, after a move like this, chat a lot less. Ask a few questions about what you want to know, and maybe avoid answering their questions. Then talk about what you like doing more, what might be a perfect first date, or perfect romantic second date. .....then pop it again.
After that it is best to either just say, sorry you are not interested in meeting me and getting to know me as the real person, goodbye. Or say you have met someone, dating them , and like one at a time. Chat next week ? Or say you are not very good at chat really, and ghost them. I wouldn't bother taking them to Snap chat because you can share more pictures with them, privately, by hiding your profile and putting them up on Tinder. They appear in Stream and they can and will see them believe me. Go to snap or Messenger AFTER you secure a date, or the principle of a date.
My ex came out the closet to me as a "chatter". She is too embarressed and inhibited to go on dates, She likes the attention and someone new to talk to, but has no intention of going further, even with VERY attractive men who have great luxury lives and expensive stuff, and are nice and kind it seems. What a waste of space.
How long should chat go? Well someone who is a bit wordly wise and been on some Tinder dates will be ok with a little half hour chat max, then arranging to meet. If they seem to have a real profile then you can exchange telephone numbers, or move over to messenger or Snap. Telephone numbers these days are really good, because you can instantly find out their full name and then FB search them and Linked in Etc to profile them for old picturing (GOD GIRLS STOP THAT ! BE HONEST) or massive attention seeking on Face' and Insta'
There are some very shy, or dammaged people out there who despite being genuine and not **chatters** want to spend time on line getting to know you. Some will hold you to Tinder because it is safest, most anonymous. That really is difficult, because they appear just like a chatter. But the way round this is to ask if they are painfully shy, saying sorry do you mind me asking? I did this recently with a really pretty German girl, and she said, absolutely not LOL...so I kind of knew she was just pissing about, not interested in a date.
At the end of the day, good old biochemistry has it ALL to say really. You can build up a false prospect on line, and find out they are odd, or have really old pictures out on Tinder or so on. BUt meeting someone and the first glances, body scan, smile and then laugh and hey, that is what it is about.
Tinder and all the dating apps can't subsittute that, they just facilitate more meetings in person, and you should drop Chatters asap.
Wednesday 8 April 2020
Four Weddings and a Funnel
Three weddings
What do three otherwise unrelated weddings, none of which I have attended, have in common, and what do they then have in kind of contrasting relatedness?
Is it the romantic haitus which caused things not to work out? Were they weddings where I would have been the bridesmaid but never the Bride?
No a lot more mundane than that.
The thing is that it was all about being much further back down the line of romance, in fact just dabbling whille those going up to the alter were diving in.
I went through a period in my early thirties where girls wanted me to go to weddings with them,. In quick succession . But also I had taken a girl to a wedding before that.
I went to a wedding with probably the most beautiful but tragically tainted girl I ever met. She was a western isles beauty. Curly locks of hair falling, a kind of callow complexion, quite tall, very thing and elegant, perfectly proportioned if you like the size 8 long look, Champagne glass breasts. She looked a little french when she was 16 and I was a kind of messed up 21 year old. But years later a good pal got married and we had met up, and I asked her if she wanted to come,. ...we had a habit of meeting up down the years, once in Arrochar as I drove by, I just turned round to talk to her and ended up on a road trip with her.
She looked amaxing at the wedding, straightened hair dyed kind of brownish red hair. She wore pink tight trousers, above the ankle, and a navy blue jacket,. She looked like what she wanted to actually be, a successful actress. Which she wasnt because she was a bit unhinged, a bit of an alter ego me. Lost in her own thoughts often, relating rather badly to the world around her. A distant soul in a way.
She wanted a free meal, and some drink, Oh yes, she drank. And the drugs later she told me. Addictive personality.
Anyway the wedding, we eat and we were a little sociable, It was my best mate at Uni and I was already drifting a bit away from him. Later we cadged a joint and hid outside the hotel, unbeknowingly under the nuptual window. Some druinken things were over heard, amusing sexual innuendos. It was an odd thing. Me with a perfect looking girlfriend, them upstairs supposedly enjoying their prima nocta. None of it was quite right. everything was actually dysfuinctional. The grooms long standing infidelity. My inability to be a manly man, a beast who just took my beauty and seduced her with animal passion. This was about 97 I think
I had even played with her pussy once.
It was a bit like the forbidden fruit I was afraid to devour, but took a lick of the dripping sap.
Eventually we even met up in the time of the other weddings. She confessed to her addictions and her rehab,. How she drank Vodka to reduce the smell on her breath. The coke. The pills. She then wanted me to hear her poetry. She was a beautiful looking being, but her poetry was a lot of convoluted pseudo intellectual pish. Some people carry it off, but they have a line of logic. To me it was babbling,. Maybe it was good and on another level I didnt get.
She went home. Eventually we never saw again, those surreptious meetings stopped, the gods no longer wanted us to intertwine and try to fix each other. Her being lostness in her own mind, and my lack of self confidence and nerves in the face of conflict.
The other weddings were the other way around.
Then I was the hot catch.
I was still in the days of going to a party and being able to get that little tell tale connection with s girl AND follow it up.
Her nickname was Spike, and as usual, I wasnt quite expecting to meet someone. She reeked to me of needing a shag, and she did. I think we did it on the second date, which, for a nymphomaniac was decency and holding out uintil we knew each other.
So the sex was great, and she was nice, but a little crazy. More than unhinged. She was a possible because she was nice and the sex was, well amazing, but she was a messy girl without a decent career ahead of her. Neither a housewife for the yuppie business builder I had thought about being, nor a partner in crime in leveraging us into the lbuy to lett market,. Soooo I kind of was going along with a nice in bed, slightly innapropriate post student years malaise type person. It came down to a stinking messy kitchen and some rotten tangerines in a sack lying on the sitting room easy chair for months on end. Bought at christmas, i picked up the bag in early February, to a cloud of blue mould in the air.
Where then the wedding in this? Well of course these next three weddings weren't ours. And they werent those of anyone I knew, or really wanted to know for that matter.
Spike wanted me to go to a wedding in somewhere like Guildford or Leicster. It involved the shuttle or a hire car or me driving or the like.
Moving along quickly, skipping over but a mere six months or so I meet my next prospect at a party. I get this time a nod and a wink, and in fact I had been told I would fall for her by her best mate, whom ensured she would be at said flat party. We hit it off and either that night or another one, we ended up in bed. She pushed away, saying this was just sex. But I was open and wanted some new little adventure. I'd had a nice one nighter with a gorgeous friend who admitted to having a huge crush on me without having to say anything. Turned out to be a nyumpho.
Anyway, this new type of mine she was gorgeous ...from the chin down. A wonderful figure, easily tanned, looked more french than scottish, a huge head of thick black, flowing hair. From behind, it was like making love to one of those perfect bodied babes you just dont really get. But she was an alco baby. She had all the hall marks of her mum's heavy drinking during a pregnancy she probably didnt know about. Round eyes, dropped ears with a poorly defined lobe, and a thin, squinty mouth.
The truth was as simple as this. After my two big loves around 30 years old mark, who both rejected me, I was in the middle of a great shag fest. I was attractive and had a quantum of confidence, and a job which was a bit of a knicker dropper apparently.
Anyway, no2 here of the latter day weddings fiascos, was just not quite there for me. She was dirty, but had her hang ups about her prettier and more successful sister. The one who didnt get alcohol dammaged. She was a bit odd about some things and up tight and neurotic about the relationship.
It was like Esther, the only "long" term mid twenties malaise girl friend I bothered to go out with for any legnth of time. She was moany, a bit pathetic, always thinking I had been more in love with my previous ex. She could be bossy and overbearing too. Uncharming,. I enjoyed being ahem, fulfilled by her but it went on far, far too long for both of our goods. She lacked self confidence so we couldnt build upon each other. She was just a nice shag and she was nice to experience and I had been lonely after my ex left to Ireland.
Esther had no marital haitus. She moved home to her mums, came off the pill, and I lost interest surprise surprise.
So these two others then, Spike and the next one, yeah. It came down to the wedding invitation. The set up to be the man on the arm, That they too, could catch a decent man and keep him.
Maybe a recent daliance which bit me in the tail was karma for all this come to think of it.
Wedding 2 involved sitting in a car most of the weekend to go to be at a wedding I knew no one. My back was playing up and I put my foot down. NO: I wasnt going to be an exhbition Ken to Barbie.
No 2 was quite open about it. I left her in tears in her blue mrk 3 golf afterwe had a meeting to discuss things, which I knew was using to end it if she didnt five up on this wedding noncsence. " What's the point in having a boyfriend if you can't take him to a wedding*
I had to move to look after my old mum after that, but it wasnt long before I was back there, yet another. This time she was much older and wiser, and knew that it just wasnt quite there for me, nor was the chemistry so great. She called the game a bogey about the time when I was not really giving a shit.
So three weddings down.
One to go.
COVID 19 has done it for this new wedding. A super romantic affair on an Italian lake for a wealthy family my new squeeze was once an au paire for, said offspring now to be legally wed. It has fallen through and I am wondering If I am falling through and she is losing interest?
It would be ironic, but the boot is more or less on the same foot. Girls wanting a little fantastic romantic get away, man in arm to show off to her peer group that her life hasn't been a long succession of not quite good enoughs.
Well it has been for me, until these last three loves of my life, who are all maybe a bit too good for me. Esther,Spike, No. 2 and the Hebridean beauty were all not good enough for me.
Odd that weddings are the kind of benchmarking exercise.
What do three otherwise unrelated weddings, none of which I have attended, have in common, and what do they then have in kind of contrasting relatedness?
Is it the romantic haitus which caused things not to work out? Were they weddings where I would have been the bridesmaid but never the Bride?
No a lot more mundane than that.
The thing is that it was all about being much further back down the line of romance, in fact just dabbling whille those going up to the alter were diving in.
I went through a period in my early thirties where girls wanted me to go to weddings with them,. In quick succession . But also I had taken a girl to a wedding before that.
I went to a wedding with probably the most beautiful but tragically tainted girl I ever met. She was a western isles beauty. Curly locks of hair falling, a kind of callow complexion, quite tall, very thing and elegant, perfectly proportioned if you like the size 8 long look, Champagne glass breasts. She looked a little french when she was 16 and I was a kind of messed up 21 year old. But years later a good pal got married and we had met up, and I asked her if she wanted to come,. ...we had a habit of meeting up down the years, once in Arrochar as I drove by, I just turned round to talk to her and ended up on a road trip with her.
She looked amaxing at the wedding, straightened hair dyed kind of brownish red hair. She wore pink tight trousers, above the ankle, and a navy blue jacket,. She looked like what she wanted to actually be, a successful actress. Which she wasnt because she was a bit unhinged, a bit of an alter ego me. Lost in her own thoughts often, relating rather badly to the world around her. A distant soul in a way.
She wanted a free meal, and some drink, Oh yes, she drank. And the drugs later she told me. Addictive personality.
Anyway the wedding, we eat and we were a little sociable, It was my best mate at Uni and I was already drifting a bit away from him. Later we cadged a joint and hid outside the hotel, unbeknowingly under the nuptual window. Some druinken things were over heard, amusing sexual innuendos. It was an odd thing. Me with a perfect looking girlfriend, them upstairs supposedly enjoying their prima nocta. None of it was quite right. everything was actually dysfuinctional. The grooms long standing infidelity. My inability to be a manly man, a beast who just took my beauty and seduced her with animal passion. This was about 97 I think
I had even played with her pussy once.
It was a bit like the forbidden fruit I was afraid to devour, but took a lick of the dripping sap.
Eventually we even met up in the time of the other weddings. She confessed to her addictions and her rehab,. How she drank Vodka to reduce the smell on her breath. The coke. The pills. She then wanted me to hear her poetry. She was a beautiful looking being, but her poetry was a lot of convoluted pseudo intellectual pish. Some people carry it off, but they have a line of logic. To me it was babbling,. Maybe it was good and on another level I didnt get.
She went home. Eventually we never saw again, those surreptious meetings stopped, the gods no longer wanted us to intertwine and try to fix each other. Her being lostness in her own mind, and my lack of self confidence and nerves in the face of conflict.
The other weddings were the other way around.
Then I was the hot catch.
I was still in the days of going to a party and being able to get that little tell tale connection with s girl AND follow it up.
Her nickname was Spike, and as usual, I wasnt quite expecting to meet someone. She reeked to me of needing a shag, and she did. I think we did it on the second date, which, for a nymphomaniac was decency and holding out uintil we knew each other.
So the sex was great, and she was nice, but a little crazy. More than unhinged. She was a possible because she was nice and the sex was, well amazing, but she was a messy girl without a decent career ahead of her. Neither a housewife for the yuppie business builder I had thought about being, nor a partner in crime in leveraging us into the lbuy to lett market,. Soooo I kind of was going along with a nice in bed, slightly innapropriate post student years malaise type person. It came down to a stinking messy kitchen and some rotten tangerines in a sack lying on the sitting room easy chair for months on end. Bought at christmas, i picked up the bag in early February, to a cloud of blue mould in the air.
Where then the wedding in this? Well of course these next three weddings weren't ours. And they werent those of anyone I knew, or really wanted to know for that matter.
Spike wanted me to go to a wedding in somewhere like Guildford or Leicster. It involved the shuttle or a hire car or me driving or the like.
Moving along quickly, skipping over but a mere six months or so I meet my next prospect at a party. I get this time a nod and a wink, and in fact I had been told I would fall for her by her best mate, whom ensured she would be at said flat party. We hit it off and either that night or another one, we ended up in bed. She pushed away, saying this was just sex. But I was open and wanted some new little adventure. I'd had a nice one nighter with a gorgeous friend who admitted to having a huge crush on me without having to say anything. Turned out to be a nyumpho.
Anyway, this new type of mine she was gorgeous ...from the chin down. A wonderful figure, easily tanned, looked more french than scottish, a huge head of thick black, flowing hair. From behind, it was like making love to one of those perfect bodied babes you just dont really get. But she was an alco baby. She had all the hall marks of her mum's heavy drinking during a pregnancy she probably didnt know about. Round eyes, dropped ears with a poorly defined lobe, and a thin, squinty mouth.
The truth was as simple as this. After my two big loves around 30 years old mark, who both rejected me, I was in the middle of a great shag fest. I was attractive and had a quantum of confidence, and a job which was a bit of a knicker dropper apparently.
Anyway, no2 here of the latter day weddings fiascos, was just not quite there for me. She was dirty, but had her hang ups about her prettier and more successful sister. The one who didnt get alcohol dammaged. She was a bit odd about some things and up tight and neurotic about the relationship.
It was like Esther, the only "long" term mid twenties malaise girl friend I bothered to go out with for any legnth of time. She was moany, a bit pathetic, always thinking I had been more in love with my previous ex. She could be bossy and overbearing too. Uncharming,. I enjoyed being ahem, fulfilled by her but it went on far, far too long for both of our goods. She lacked self confidence so we couldnt build upon each other. She was just a nice shag and she was nice to experience and I had been lonely after my ex left to Ireland.
Esther had no marital haitus. She moved home to her mums, came off the pill, and I lost interest surprise surprise.
So these two others then, Spike and the next one, yeah. It came down to the wedding invitation. The set up to be the man on the arm, That they too, could catch a decent man and keep him.
Maybe a recent daliance which bit me in the tail was karma for all this come to think of it.
Wedding 2 involved sitting in a car most of the weekend to go to be at a wedding I knew no one. My back was playing up and I put my foot down. NO: I wasnt going to be an exhbition Ken to Barbie.
No 2 was quite open about it. I left her in tears in her blue mrk 3 golf afterwe had a meeting to discuss things, which I knew was using to end it if she didnt five up on this wedding noncsence. " What's the point in having a boyfriend if you can't take him to a wedding*
I had to move to look after my old mum after that, but it wasnt long before I was back there, yet another. This time she was much older and wiser, and knew that it just wasnt quite there for me, nor was the chemistry so great. She called the game a bogey about the time when I was not really giving a shit.
So three weddings down.
One to go.
COVID 19 has done it for this new wedding. A super romantic affair on an Italian lake for a wealthy family my new squeeze was once an au paire for, said offspring now to be legally wed. It has fallen through and I am wondering If I am falling through and she is losing interest?
It would be ironic, but the boot is more or less on the same foot. Girls wanting a little fantastic romantic get away, man in arm to show off to her peer group that her life hasn't been a long succession of not quite good enoughs.
Well it has been for me, until these last three loves of my life, who are all maybe a bit too good for me. Esther,Spike, No. 2 and the Hebridean beauty were all not good enough for me.
Odd that weddings are the kind of benchmarking exercise.
Tuesday 31 March 2020
Nice Girl Syndrome Revisited .....
Nice girl syndrome, and for that matter, nice guy syndrome whcih I have probably been on the other end of the stick of. What is that all about?
Well of course it only happens when we are single and have a toe in the market at least.
At 18 and at 45, divorced, you have a similar perspective dilemma. If you meet someone now, having been alone, then you maybe have to be with them for life or at least through some of your best years?
Ooh, what if somethign better comes along, it will hard to dump a nice girl / guy? What about spreading your wild oats and having some fun?
We are back then to disposable sex and consumable love.
I had a whole lot of this topic in the first I kind of fell in love with post divorce. On the one hand, I kind of put her on a pedestal and as she was the first kind of true interest, I was worried I might end up with her for those precisous single years before I am bald and old and used up. From her side, I had to read through the lines, but basically freind zoning every meet was a bit over the top and showed an insecurity. Indirectly she probed to see if I was interested in a one night stand, ina round the houses third person way. I actually didnt want to because she lives near me, i see her quite often and also a quicky might destroy a good friendship with potential to go somewhere.
Also between the lines, it became apparent that she had affairs with married men and liked the disposability. Also a summer rommance with an American visitor, cutting him off completely upon his departure, poor sod more than a little loved up with her. So she was avoiding nice boy syndroime. She didnt want a relationship.
Eventually it al became a mess, because the attractioin we had for each other was massive and I never did do the manly thing and make the move. I felt it wasnt right each time we met, and that her body language was too neutral ( later I find that this is just a national trait, and you need to push your luck a lot and take the initiative, despite it being a supposedly liberated land for women) . I fucked up over an anonymous valentines day card and it became a messy thing which she pushed me out of.
I remember then nice girl syndrom from when I was young. Fiona at Uni, and my mates Ex, Sharon. Both wonderful. Both, well, too good for me I felt, or was it more that I would have to honour and obey them for ever and I didnt want to risk a relationship before I was old enough to want to settle down-??
I remember one very pretty, typical my type, petite brunette. We had an attraction and finally hooked up for a drink at a concert on Level 8 , Strathclyde Uni. She was a bit neurotic. She then went off there and then with the drummer from the band and even told me.....It was a bit weird, it wasnt happening for me. She got both a better quality mate and a qucik disposable night of sex.
Women want it too, maybe it is more cultural than in built moral. I had one of those matey aquaintances in the 80s, you know, you met them on the indy circuit. His name was Geoff, and him and Dean were inseperable Indie music hang outers. Dean was small and squat. Geoff looked like a young Clint Eastwoord. But he was shy and into music. Women threw themselves at him. He was invited to parties, women kisse him out the blue....it seems then that the naughty swan thign is there. Swans pair for life., Only goslings quite often have a different paternal DNA!
What I have learnt in the modern times, is that ' I'm not very good at realtionships' or any discussion about loose moral , short term relations, is a come on for a one night stand or a friends with benefits relatuionship. Perhaps this is a middle age thing, where the womean is more honest and wants to lay down some rules that this will not be an all consuming love nor will there actually be any committment.
i dont want to eat the peach I want it for later, and if I take a quick bite, the whole thing will be rotten.
Well of course it only happens when we are single and have a toe in the market at least.
At 18 and at 45, divorced, you have a similar perspective dilemma. If you meet someone now, having been alone, then you maybe have to be with them for life or at least through some of your best years?
Ooh, what if somethign better comes along, it will hard to dump a nice girl / guy? What about spreading your wild oats and having some fun?
We are back then to disposable sex and consumable love.
I had a whole lot of this topic in the first I kind of fell in love with post divorce. On the one hand, I kind of put her on a pedestal and as she was the first kind of true interest, I was worried I might end up with her for those precisous single years before I am bald and old and used up. From her side, I had to read through the lines, but basically freind zoning every meet was a bit over the top and showed an insecurity. Indirectly she probed to see if I was interested in a one night stand, ina round the houses third person way. I actually didnt want to because she lives near me, i see her quite often and also a quicky might destroy a good friendship with potential to go somewhere.
Also between the lines, it became apparent that she had affairs with married men and liked the disposability. Also a summer rommance with an American visitor, cutting him off completely upon his departure, poor sod more than a little loved up with her. So she was avoiding nice boy syndroime. She didnt want a relationship.
Eventually it al became a mess, because the attractioin we had for each other was massive and I never did do the manly thing and make the move. I felt it wasnt right each time we met, and that her body language was too neutral ( later I find that this is just a national trait, and you need to push your luck a lot and take the initiative, despite it being a supposedly liberated land for women) . I fucked up over an anonymous valentines day card and it became a messy thing which she pushed me out of.
I remember then nice girl syndrom from when I was young. Fiona at Uni, and my mates Ex, Sharon. Both wonderful. Both, well, too good for me I felt, or was it more that I would have to honour and obey them for ever and I didnt want to risk a relationship before I was old enough to want to settle down-??
I remember one very pretty, typical my type, petite brunette. We had an attraction and finally hooked up for a drink at a concert on Level 8 , Strathclyde Uni. She was a bit neurotic. She then went off there and then with the drummer from the band and even told me.....It was a bit weird, it wasnt happening for me. She got both a better quality mate and a qucik disposable night of sex.
Women want it too, maybe it is more cultural than in built moral. I had one of those matey aquaintances in the 80s, you know, you met them on the indy circuit. His name was Geoff, and him and Dean were inseperable Indie music hang outers. Dean was small and squat. Geoff looked like a young Clint Eastwoord. But he was shy and into music. Women threw themselves at him. He was invited to parties, women kisse him out the blue....it seems then that the naughty swan thign is there. Swans pair for life., Only goslings quite often have a different paternal DNA!
What I have learnt in the modern times, is that ' I'm not very good at realtionships' or any discussion about loose moral , short term relations, is a come on for a one night stand or a friends with benefits relatuionship. Perhaps this is a middle age thing, where the womean is more honest and wants to lay down some rules that this will not be an all consuming love nor will there actually be any committment.
i dont want to eat the peach I want it for later, and if I take a quick bite, the whole thing will be rotten.
Love, Consumable, To Be Avoided?
On the one hand we seem to have easier access to meeting single, lonely, seeking people like our presumed selves , while on the other we maybe are far more selective in whom we commit to?
Do we fall in Love more easily or do we accept a half ersatz love mediated via the internet, but which ignores some of the other aspects of relationships such as solidity, co dependence, security ?
Has Love become a consumable ? Dispose after use or when a newer product becomes available?
Well everything is self centric tinged. But I do share a common set of experiences with people at the other end of the dating and love game: post divorce from a long term relationship is very much like being in tha 17 - 21 bracket when it comes to dating, or maybe a little older when it comes to Love and committment. As a friend said to me, all the nerves and uncertainties are there, like you were 17 again.
On the flip side of this is Nice Girl Syndrome. Next blog.
We can then pick each other up, and pre screen for some compatibilities....mutual level of attraciveness if not attraction itself, which is a person to person thing really. We can check we have enough in common to at least enjoy dating - avoding those girls who want to be wined and dined for example, no such thing as a free lunch girls. Avoiding the oldest swinger in town. Safe but not so safe you will settle down.
Then there is the opportunity for two timing in reality post match, or just by matching which is unfaithfulness in itself. It is going to the Friday night disco when you have a dinner date with your safe shag on Saturday. "Going out wi yer guuurl friend, that's for poofs like' as one Geordie reveller put it.
It is cetainly easier then to allow those little irritations about your new chosen squeeze to make you turn to see what other fish are in the pond. Also if there are incompatibilies of distance, or actual common interests in quality time together outside coffee and dinner dates and the eventual bedroom
On that topic there is then the thorny issue of compatibility in the sack. Over 40 that comes to physical size match, yes that is important and then preferences. Many married couples have spiced up their sex lives with games, toys, going up the the wrong un' and even threesomes. Where as many couples have split up because one partner is too sexually conservative or has in fact issues in fulfilling the other. So that becomes a clash point in a new relationship. The man wants porno sex, the woman wants to have a more affectionate type of thing than with her ex. That is a typical issue for divorcees I read.
If then you reach the compatibilities threshold, the point at which you really do wonder if you are compatible, then you have an easier way out than before the internet. Before the internet you had all the trouble of actually bumping into someone who was single and you fancied. Yeah, you could get a quicky out with the lads or lassies, subject og next blog. But building up a rapport and getting to know each other, and getting them on the hook of love....all conspired to make you stick with your current unless somethign much better fell on your lap, usually at work or in your existing social network, which was problematic,.,then again you had the benefit of face to face attraction, lust and falling in love the old fashioned way.
The old fashioned way then? Was it not just this very issue of restrictions, that we WOULD have fallen in L.O.V.E. more often if only we had met more of our types. Is life time monogamy still a social construct, shaped by culture and role modesl, or is there some biological and psychological underpinning which modern culture over rides with temptations?
I am a firm believer in and practice serial monogamy, and the odd one night stand between squeezes. But that does not answer the question. Have I just not met someone super compatible or is that an impossibility and modern stresses of economics and lifestyles mean that it is very , very difficult ?
Well the answer to that lies in statistics and in fact, most children live in households here at least, with two parents cohabiting or married. The level of single parents has stabilised after its growth period from the 70s to the 90s. It is less than a third. New partner cohabitation and step parents were not accounted for, but you get the drift. A higher proportion of divorces are perhaps quicky , pre children , get out of jail free divorces.
But why then this possibility for flicking love from one partner to another , facilitated more quickly by the internet, but always having been latent?
Well it is the two great drivers ...men want sexual variety , yes secuirty too, but sexual variety is a major driver. Women want the best mate possible. So when randy boy meets girl who wants to do better......hey presto. Partners aside, they give each others the singals of a successful mating.
The result of this, is, as with my pal Heidi, that girl often meets married, opportunistic man. Upon enjoying it, they either back off quickly home to wifey and two point four, or they play along new partner with promises of leaving and declation of love and how much better it is than her back home. They dont tend to leave because of the need for security and the shame in front of the kids and grand parents!
Tinder and its ilk, just facilitate this a little quicker and over a wider geographic area. It could be said that tinder also facilitates more successful, longer term matches and hooks up those, Like Heidi, who otherwise meet innappropriate types socially. She refuses to have anything to do with datring apps. Post divorce then Tinder is probably making more successful relationships beacuse it generates more over all. It permits otherwise painfully shy people to get to know others too at all ages.
Do we fall in Love more easily or do we accept a half ersatz love mediated via the internet, but which ignores some of the other aspects of relationships such as solidity, co dependence, security ?
Has Love become a consumable ? Dispose after use or when a newer product becomes available?
Well everything is self centric tinged. But I do share a common set of experiences with people at the other end of the dating and love game: post divorce from a long term relationship is very much like being in tha 17 - 21 bracket when it comes to dating, or maybe a little older when it comes to Love and committment. As a friend said to me, all the nerves and uncertainties are there, like you were 17 again.
On the flip side of this is Nice Girl Syndrome. Next blog.
We can then pick each other up, and pre screen for some compatibilities....mutual level of attraciveness if not attraction itself, which is a person to person thing really. We can check we have enough in common to at least enjoy dating - avoding those girls who want to be wined and dined for example, no such thing as a free lunch girls. Avoiding the oldest swinger in town. Safe but not so safe you will settle down.
Then there is the opportunity for two timing in reality post match, or just by matching which is unfaithfulness in itself. It is going to the Friday night disco when you have a dinner date with your safe shag on Saturday. "Going out wi yer guuurl friend, that's for poofs like' as one Geordie reveller put it.
It is cetainly easier then to allow those little irritations about your new chosen squeeze to make you turn to see what other fish are in the pond. Also if there are incompatibilies of distance, or actual common interests in quality time together outside coffee and dinner dates and the eventual bedroom
On that topic there is then the thorny issue of compatibility in the sack. Over 40 that comes to physical size match, yes that is important and then preferences. Many married couples have spiced up their sex lives with games, toys, going up the the wrong un' and even threesomes. Where as many couples have split up because one partner is too sexually conservative or has in fact issues in fulfilling the other. So that becomes a clash point in a new relationship. The man wants porno sex, the woman wants to have a more affectionate type of thing than with her ex. That is a typical issue for divorcees I read.
If then you reach the compatibilities threshold, the point at which you really do wonder if you are compatible, then you have an easier way out than before the internet. Before the internet you had all the trouble of actually bumping into someone who was single and you fancied. Yeah, you could get a quicky out with the lads or lassies, subject og next blog. But building up a rapport and getting to know each other, and getting them on the hook of love....all conspired to make you stick with your current unless somethign much better fell on your lap, usually at work or in your existing social network, which was problematic,.,then again you had the benefit of face to face attraction, lust and falling in love the old fashioned way.
The old fashioned way then? Was it not just this very issue of restrictions, that we WOULD have fallen in L.O.V.E. more often if only we had met more of our types. Is life time monogamy still a social construct, shaped by culture and role modesl, or is there some biological and psychological underpinning which modern culture over rides with temptations?
I am a firm believer in and practice serial monogamy, and the odd one night stand between squeezes. But that does not answer the question. Have I just not met someone super compatible or is that an impossibility and modern stresses of economics and lifestyles mean that it is very , very difficult ?
Well the answer to that lies in statistics and in fact, most children live in households here at least, with two parents cohabiting or married. The level of single parents has stabilised after its growth period from the 70s to the 90s. It is less than a third. New partner cohabitation and step parents were not accounted for, but you get the drift. A higher proportion of divorces are perhaps quicky , pre children , get out of jail free divorces.
But why then this possibility for flicking love from one partner to another , facilitated more quickly by the internet, but always having been latent?
Well it is the two great drivers ...men want sexual variety , yes secuirty too, but sexual variety is a major driver. Women want the best mate possible. So when randy boy meets girl who wants to do better......hey presto. Partners aside, they give each others the singals of a successful mating.
The result of this, is, as with my pal Heidi, that girl often meets married, opportunistic man. Upon enjoying it, they either back off quickly home to wifey and two point four, or they play along new partner with promises of leaving and declation of love and how much better it is than her back home. They dont tend to leave because of the need for security and the shame in front of the kids and grand parents!
Tinder and its ilk, just facilitate this a little quicker and over a wider geographic area. It could be said that tinder also facilitates more successful, longer term matches and hooks up those, Like Heidi, who otherwise meet innappropriate types socially. She refuses to have anything to do with datring apps. Post divorce then Tinder is probably making more successful relationships beacuse it generates more over all. It permits otherwise painfully shy people to get to know others too at all ages.
Sunday 2 February 2020
The Dark Depths of Freddicus Rex
Yes Freddie, the darkest secrets , the deepest chasms of woe and cynicism.
Damp Freddie, my alter ego, a made up persona with whom I can play Devil's Advocate, or express the most cynical opinions , or the most visionary ideologies without fear of personal ridicule. Furthermore being able to blame innaccuracies, falsehoods, respun spin, outright mistakes, hasty conculsions and broad, sweeping statements on a nut called Damp Freddie.
Is he not then more my Ego on the Alter? A scarifice of philosophical and political ambitions and ideals on the cold alter of an increasingly powerful capitalism which will inevitably consume the world's resources and enslave much of its workforce.
There I go again, or rather King Frederick the Last rants again.
Why do we blogg using an avatar, a facsimilie? Many of us do it, so we can be contentious and radical and as I state, avoid ridicule, and personal attack on line .....or even off line, in the real world where violence and vandalism begin to plague Little England as it seeks to oust Europeanness from Blighty.
There, you see , I can't help it. Having a dig at the oposition, making it clear I am a radical internationalist. Workers of the World unite, you have only your anonymous blogs to loose.
Since the Luddites and then the anti Fordians, who said the production line would destroy labour, then the emergence of the concept at least of the Robot in the 50s and 60s, neigh sayers have always been saying that we will either be befreed from menial tasks, quiote Jimmy Reid acceptance speech as he became rector of Univ of Glasgow, or it will render people who do not own capital assets, into homeless, penniless vagrants living by scavanging.
The truth is quickly becoming nearer the second than the first in the new world, and those machines need materials which are increasingly (or more transparently) being produced by slave labour in countries like Angola, or India, or in fact China, the great red hope for business growth in the west, which is a poisoned chalice of never ending negative balance of trade for the old west.
In the other vision Will we all be bloggers, informing each other and sharing knowledge? All philosophers trying to find a solution to the human condition whcih can be rolled out across the world as robots and algortyms do all the stuff of manufacturing and services ?
The Neo Liberal call for more freedom for business and capital is driving us towards a partially anarchic oligicarchy, it is taking us back to the past, not the future. A time when national governments were the extension of corporate power, or in the hands of dictators who accumulated wealth and power with the support of the elite rich. Laisez faire has its history, with the crash of 1927 being echoed in 2008. Too much freedom, leading to enslavement and empoverishment of many people who were on the breadline already back then, and many who came to join it. The bail outs came, but rather than a New Deal for the people in terms of employment, it was an Old Deal, that capital assets retained their value and were fed by peopleæs basic needs for shelter, food and water.
What hope any alternative, when Capital will cheat and lie and go for the basal use of nationalism and racism in order to cling to democratic power and justify their onbsession with trickle up, that capitalism is the accumulation of wealth by the entitled few by the exploitation of the many, and the collaboration of the better salaried, educated classes. Alternatives there are though, We already see virtual communism in some supply chains, where some medicines and metallic raw materials are subject to a virtual Chinese monopoly . The internet and cloud computing enables in fact supply chains which are bereft of human input, and here lies a hope for all those old communist and Star Trek futurists amongst you,
The furture will be different. The greedy baby boomers and their super wealthy masters are going to dies soon, but even before that there may be a senility set into their entires system because of the way it neglects the distribution of wealth through work for those who are young, or not on the gravy train already by virtue of age, family or exceedingly good education and luck.
Supply and demand will be catered for differently in future because of the way capital works. It is based on linear economics and simple principles of adding value from raw materials, increasingly in slavery conditions. things will be run differently in the future once the computers take over and solve supply chain issues so we all get a unisex, beige blandness like so many sci fi utopias of the 60s and 70s.
Will human nature, change at all? Are we based on competition or cooperation?
Freddie Retires from his sabre rattling for a good night's sleep.
Damp Freddie, my alter ego, a made up persona with whom I can play Devil's Advocate, or express the most cynical opinions , or the most visionary ideologies without fear of personal ridicule. Furthermore being able to blame innaccuracies, falsehoods, respun spin, outright mistakes, hasty conculsions and broad, sweeping statements on a nut called Damp Freddie.
Is he not then more my Ego on the Alter? A scarifice of philosophical and political ambitions and ideals on the cold alter of an increasingly powerful capitalism which will inevitably consume the world's resources and enslave much of its workforce.
There I go again, or rather King Frederick the Last rants again.
Why do we blogg using an avatar, a facsimilie? Many of us do it, so we can be contentious and radical and as I state, avoid ridicule, and personal attack on line .....or even off line, in the real world where violence and vandalism begin to plague Little England as it seeks to oust Europeanness from Blighty.
There, you see , I can't help it. Having a dig at the oposition, making it clear I am a radical internationalist. Workers of the World unite, you have only your anonymous blogs to loose.
Since the Luddites and then the anti Fordians, who said the production line would destroy labour, then the emergence of the concept at least of the Robot in the 50s and 60s, neigh sayers have always been saying that we will either be befreed from menial tasks, quiote Jimmy Reid acceptance speech as he became rector of Univ of Glasgow, or it will render people who do not own capital assets, into homeless, penniless vagrants living by scavanging.
The truth is quickly becoming nearer the second than the first in the new world, and those machines need materials which are increasingly (or more transparently) being produced by slave labour in countries like Angola, or India, or in fact China, the great red hope for business growth in the west, which is a poisoned chalice of never ending negative balance of trade for the old west.
In the other vision Will we all be bloggers, informing each other and sharing knowledge? All philosophers trying to find a solution to the human condition whcih can be rolled out across the world as robots and algortyms do all the stuff of manufacturing and services ?
The Neo Liberal call for more freedom for business and capital is driving us towards a partially anarchic oligicarchy, it is taking us back to the past, not the future. A time when national governments were the extension of corporate power, or in the hands of dictators who accumulated wealth and power with the support of the elite rich. Laisez faire has its history, with the crash of 1927 being echoed in 2008. Too much freedom, leading to enslavement and empoverishment of many people who were on the breadline already back then, and many who came to join it. The bail outs came, but rather than a New Deal for the people in terms of employment, it was an Old Deal, that capital assets retained their value and were fed by peopleæs basic needs for shelter, food and water.
What hope any alternative, when Capital will cheat and lie and go for the basal use of nationalism and racism in order to cling to democratic power and justify their onbsession with trickle up, that capitalism is the accumulation of wealth by the entitled few by the exploitation of the many, and the collaboration of the better salaried, educated classes. Alternatives there are though, We already see virtual communism in some supply chains, where some medicines and metallic raw materials are subject to a virtual Chinese monopoly . The internet and cloud computing enables in fact supply chains which are bereft of human input, and here lies a hope for all those old communist and Star Trek futurists amongst you,
The furture will be different. The greedy baby boomers and their super wealthy masters are going to dies soon, but even before that there may be a senility set into their entires system because of the way it neglects the distribution of wealth through work for those who are young, or not on the gravy train already by virtue of age, family or exceedingly good education and luck.
Supply and demand will be catered for differently in future because of the way capital works. It is based on linear economics and simple principles of adding value from raw materials, increasingly in slavery conditions. things will be run differently in the future once the computers take over and solve supply chain issues so we all get a unisex, beige blandness like so many sci fi utopias of the 60s and 70s.
Will human nature, change at all? Are we based on competition or cooperation?
Freddie Retires from his sabre rattling for a good night's sleep.
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