This morning I had one of those life threading dreams which makes you wonder if there is a dream world where we either live out parallel lives in our sleep, or where the ghosts in our each and every machine, meet up in a kind of soul place and mingle.
One such dream I had a long time ago now, getting on thirty years dear reader, was one morning in the days when I could and did sleep 12 hours straight with impunity and a clear conscious once or twice a week. I dreamt I dived into a deep mountain pool, at the foot of a waterfall, somewhere up Glen Falloch in Scotland, a kind of rendition of a place I had been before. I swallow dived the fifteen meters or so from near the top and plunged into deeply refreshing water, to arise cleansed, free and happy, Finally that morning, upon awakening soon after, I realised that my first ever broken heart was now mended and I could move on in life and forget and forgive my misopportunity.
Today was linked back to those days and in fact a rivalry over that same common love-of-our-life, which caused a rift which has lasted all our adult lives in fact. My best friend of the time, Kenneth, who actually really believed in me and supported me, and rivalled me in a friendly way, and challenged me and was funny and just there for me all the time, has never really spoken to me after I went out with his Ex. She was both of ours first big loves. She was nothing special, just fantastically normal and outspoken and sexy and kind and full of humour and love. Very different to me, she had more in common with her ex, and we of course got to know each other while they were still together. The big boy rule broken, dont go out with someones ex's. He could be quite civil about it all, but then again he avoided me and finally had a couple of out-with-its where, despite him having moved on to another girl, he was jealous and gutted to the core and wanted to punch me through my innerds. Things never quite mended there. Also there was something there in the background maybe, I just put it down to her wanting a new boy friend when she moved and wanting desperately away from me., Instead of confronting her properly I took her white lie at face value, and then of course got that back in my face early one sunday morning when she unceremoniously dumped me. The only reason she gave was that I had, and it was bad of me, mentioned that her ex had been unfaithul. That was spiteful of me, and unneccessary, and I think it was on the first date I did it, to kind of stub out his embers I guess. It is a regret, but it was only kind of ammunition in an otherwise cocked gun so to speak, when she moved flats and things changed suddenly. I dont know and I dont care if kenneth was behind it. But then he reappears you see.
Unlike me Kenneth stuck to his research career and made good, moving into business and eventually being the dream ticket PhD & MBA combi. I saw him once, when he got back together of course with our common ex, which didnt last, but they were both kind of lonely and fell back together when he moved to her Uni. later I could only track him on Linked In, no face-ing or before that, friends-reunited for him. But his other ex, the one after the ex in topic, got in touch with me after many years and spoke of him.
So came the dream. I was in a kind of pres'que vu, almost seen that is, like deja vu , but as if it was out the corner of your eye and not as familiar a feeling. It was reminiscent, places I could have been and almost maybe saw, but had not been before, Sandstone houses and garden walls, visiting a place or living there I dont know. Kenny appeared at my appartment. I had moved back there and become slightly economically successful and lived in an academic area I feel. We talked. He said big business wasnt all it cracked up to be anyway. He was very much passing through, just kind of making an appearance in mid life, and only half holding out the olive branch I felt. Then as we went inside my appartment or his, in the kitchen on the floor, was my latter day, biggest love at first sight woman, on the floor, post coitus and still high on sex with him. My successes fell away and I guess this was his show to me in the spirit world, that he too could piss about with my inner emotions of those I held once dear. Her being there was a shock. She was older. But still her, still the one woman I would give up everything for even today. There she was in a cheap kind of scenario, semen on her breasts and throat, passionate lust begone on the kitchen floor in the L shaped open plan appartment, hoping I wouldnt find her, she had lain still until I managed to barge in instead of leaving the way I had come in. For kenny, it had just happened, it wasnt actually out of spite, he was apologetic, I wasnt supposed to have found out. It was his place and she was my big ex, but so what, that was a looooong time ago. It was regrettable that I found out, that was all. Now the rift could not be healed I felt.
Kenneth was perhaps show boating in front of me, or perhaps the gods of the soul world wanted to show me that transient love hurts but precious love can hurt more and tear people apart. I felt a little bitter that this wonderful potential for connecting with three of my favourite people from my twenties and early thirties, was squandered by the embaressment or intent of the situation I found on the kitchen floor, and the precluding luke warm conversation with kenny became clear as to its tone, he was hiding her int he kitchen and wanted another time to resolve our feud. I should never have known he had a conquest over her, it was a coincidence perhaps but the suspicioun of a conspiracy of commonalities, where two people talk of their pasts and meet at common denominators, and gradually realisethey have people in common, and that mid life isolation thing throws them into each others lonely and lusting embraces, mouths like cods in the air pressed and gaping at the chance of one more incidental, by the wayside love affaire.
The dream was begun more by me wondering about my new career route whcih will be a dead end most likely, but pay the bills and pension and allow me to live in a wonderful part of the world for the rest of my life without more than a 30 minute commute. The dream should have been a rational com,paritor dream then. I made my choices and missed out on what some describe as success. Kenneth made his and the better man kind of came back to counsel the loser, by asking what success is when I in fact, have such a good quality of life. However the soul jungle dreamland threw a screw ball at me with Gill being there, fucked on the kitchen floor, his seed sprayed on her in a way as to deny her a child *she has none to my knowledge) and dominate her, while humiliating me, that this great love of my life, flash in the pan as she turned out to be, was just a sly shag, and wank in a warm body, an easy conquest.
I realised there are some places, people and times you can never really expect to go back to , and those things become regrets only if you let them burn in on you. This dream means one oif two things. Firstly if this is purely internal, then it is all about middle age catching up and how I have only come so far, yet must also drop the past. If there is a sould jungle of the peri consciousness, then Kenny is about to turn up in my life again, for better or for worse.
