Dealing with the Dreaded Let's Just Be Friends

After a long absence, I am finally back on the dating game, having separated.

Already I have had one LJBF; nose really out of joint because of it, and I am about to give a LJBF very shortly


It is a kind of nice nasty, when in fact people should really be cruel to be kind, but that is the way of the western world, people are always trying to be polite to keep up appearances.

First and foremost though, way over 90% of the time it is a BRUSH OFF. They do not want this attention. Usually LJBF comes after of course you get to know each other a bit, and ask out on a date, or something whcih becomes suddenly interpreted as a date, and the other (girl in this case since I am hetero and cant speak for other sex or persuasions) just doesnt fancy you.

On a first date, it is a defence mechanism pure and simple, it is often because the girl is a little overwhelmed by you and the sudden attention, or because they have a boyfriend but hey, you are actually a better catch and worth getting to know on a LJBF basis.

But most often it comes after a getting to know you bit, often in a social context where a date has not quite been achieved. It is then most often a brush off for a date.

Some guys will avoid dating and that is a good tactic in fact. They will use instead social occaisions because they are less charged and focused and they can be seen to be playing the field a bit, and wait until of course, the blood alochol level is high in their girl of choice, or move on to another Some girls are ok with this, others really would rather get to know you on a one to one, and wont be themselves with you in those situations and will actiuvely avoid contat with you. LJBF then after a drunken snog is fine.They know they have to see you socially and ok, it was a drunken mistake

When it comes during early dating then guys, most of the time you have no choice. Walk away. It is a straight knock back, and worse, they are going to use you for attention and toy with you sometimes to get some other guys jealous, or just show their power over men to the women they are competing with. Miaoow, yes that catty are girls.

Walking away, quite literally is a very good tactic, because sooner or later you are going to walk away confused, in tears or in anger anyway if you try and persue a LJBF girl. Yes it can be a defence mechanism, but it too often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Romance is that unknown quantity between men and women, between people who do not really know each other but have a chemistry and an intrigue. LJBF is boring, it is sanitising, it is a passion killer. Walking away is a strong reaction,


Walk away, Try it., Yes, physically walk off, say nothing. Shake your head maybe but walk away and dont look back.

 You will get LJBFed just you wait. Dont worry about the social awkwardness later, you have already made it as awkward as possible by making a pass. You can always agree to LJBF another time, and make it obvious it is lip service to politeness at UNi or in the office. Walking away takes control away from her. It puts the ball up in the air, and it will be played 'out of court' and she will be finished if she does not play back, these days with a text, whcih will either show interest or confirm she is truly LJBF ing you.

The response you other wise want is the text or chat which says, oh I actually really like you, but I just want to get to know you, or what other explanation they have, going through berievement, sad for the loss of their last relationship, PMT you name it.

Secondly you can try humour. My latest line I have ready for my next prospect because I live in a town where everyone knows each other is simple. You want to just be friends? Oh so value having male friends? Well you know there are those two, very nice gay dentists in town, I suggest you be friends with them" . This will get a laugh. Probably. Given you know the girl a bit, you can use the old cliched " Oh so you're a  lesbian, sorry" which is funny in the right circumstances and otherwise a good way of saying fuck off, I'm not putting up with LJBF!!! Be prepared to do as above, walk the heck away there and then or even get a slap on the face.

The next option if the girl is a little shy or seems uncertain, is to qualify the LJBF. Here you want to know if she just needs time to get to know you better, whixh is a 'buying signal' or if she has some hang up for now about dating, or of course she is just rbushing you off and actually doesnt want to see you on a one to one basis. YOu can push the point here to being outright rude, because LJBF is being nice to be nasty!! Alternatively if it is actually factually I want to see you just as a freind, there is no sexual attraxtion for me, then be prepared to do just that if you really like her as a person, But in that case, be back on the dating game before you next see her or you will get hung up on her. There is nothing worse for most men than having what you cant have dangled in front of you, it makes you want it even more. Like a steak and chips when you weren't hungry, you start to druel over it anyway and really want it even though you know in practicality you should not go there.

The other option is acceptance and seeing what happens, but treating it as if you didnt get the job but are invited to apply at the next time they advertise. That is to say, ok, LJBF, but I am not applying until you make it cleare you want me to. Let her get in touch with you, always. If she truly wants LJBF , then she has to beg  for it, because your young, free, single time is precious believe me. In this case, take it as a total loss and see if she gets in touch, and try and avoid all social situations or be very, very cool at them and let her make a fool of herself by making the small talk. Treat is like shas said ' no, you're ugly'  and walk away with an ok, be seeing you, lets be like that then.

I'm going down the LJBF route because I am a glutton for punishment and we are both way over 40 so maybe she needs time, and my situation is not ideal with my ex right now. But I am wasting my time. My counter to this though is I just say, I'm not ready to have a lover now. So that lets her know, fine, lets just be pals, Iæm not ready, you can get to know me and see.

True friends , true lovers?

Thirty, yes thirty fucking years ago , I had a fucj up with my true scottish frie d Kenny.

A bromance went reuly, hard o n the rocvks in a tempest of jealousy anbd first time love

Going out with ypur mates' ex's is a boy rule nort to be broken.  Yet untold millions do just that.

It qas very muxh two streams odf conflicting interests.

Dream

This morning I had one of those life threading dreams which makes you wonder if there is a dream world where we either live out parallel lives in our sleep, or where the ghosts in our each and every machine, meet up in a kind of soul place and mingle.

One such dream I had a long time ago now, getting on thirty years dear reader, was one morning in the days when I could and did sleep 12 hours straight with impunity and a clear conscious once or twice a week. I dreamt I dived into a deep mountain pool, at the foot of a waterfall, somewhere up Glen Falloch in Scotland, a kind of rendition of a place I had been before. I swallow dived the fifteen meters or so from near the top and plunged into deeply refreshing water, to arise cleansed, free and happy, Finally that morning, upon awakening soon after, I realised that my first ever broken heart was now mended and I could move on in life and forget and forgive my misopportunity.

Today was linked back to those days and in fact a rivalry over that same common love-of-our-life,  which caused a rift which has lasted all our adult lives in fact. My best friend of the time, Kenneth, who actually really believed in me and supported me, and rivalled me in a friendly way, and challenged me and was funny and just there for me all the time, has never really spoken to me after I went out with his Ex. She was both of ours first big loves. She was nothing special, just fantastically normal and outspoken and sexy and kind and full of humour and love. Very different to me, she had more in common with her ex, and we of course got to know each other while they were still together. The big boy rule broken, dont go out with someones ex's. He could be quite civil about it all, but then again he avoided me and finally had a couple of out-with-its where, despite him having moved on to another girl, he was jealous and gutted to the core and wanted to punch me through my innerds. Things never quite mended there. Also there was something there in the background maybe, I just put it down to her wanting a new boy friend when she moved and wanting desperately away from me., Instead of confronting her properly I took her white lie at face value, and then of course got that back in my face early one sunday morning when she unceremoniously dumped me. The only reason she gave was that I had, and it was bad of me, mentioned that her ex had been unfaithul. That was spiteful of me, and unneccessary, and I think it was on the first date I did it, to kind of stub out his embers I guess. It is a regret, but it was only kind of ammunition in an otherwise cocked gun so to speak, when she moved flats and things changed suddenly. I dont know and I dont care if kenneth was behind it. But then he reappears you see.

Unlike me Kenneth stuck to his research career and made good, moving into business and eventually being the dream ticket PhD & MBA combi. I saw him once, when he got back together of course with our common ex, which didnt last, but they were both kind of lonely and fell back together when he moved to her Uni. later I could only track him on Linked In, no face-ing or before that, friends-reunited for him. But his other ex, the one after the ex in topic, got in touch with me after many years and spoke of him.

So came the dream. I was in a kind of pres'que vu, almost seen that is, like deja vu , but as if it was out the corner of your eye and not as familiar a feeling. It was reminiscent, places I could have been and almost maybe saw, but had not been before, Sandstone houses and garden walls, visiting a place or living there I dont know. Kenny appeared at my appartment. I had moved back there and become slightly economically successful and lived in an academic area I feel. We talked. He said big business wasnt all it cracked up to be anyway. He was very much passing through, just kind of making an appearance in mid life, and only half holding out the olive branch I felt. Then as we went inside my appartment or his, in the kitchen on the floor, was my latter day, biggest love at first sight woman, on the floor, post coitus and still high on sex with him. My successes fell away and I guess this was his show to me in the spirit world, that he too could piss about with my inner emotions of those I held once dear. Her being there was a shock. She was older. But still her, still the one woman I would give up everything for even today. There she was in a cheap kind of scenario, semen on her breasts and throat, passionate lust begone on the kitchen floor in the L shaped open plan appartment, hoping I wouldnt find her, she had lain still until I managed to barge in instead of leaving the way I had come in. For kenny, it had just happened, it wasnt actually out of spite, he was apologetic, I wasnt supposed to have found out. It was his place and she was my big ex, but so what, that was a looooong time ago. It was regrettable that I found out, that was all. Now the rift could not be healed I felt.

Kenneth was perhaps show boating in front of me, or perhaps the gods of the soul world wanted to show me that transient love hurts but precious love can hurt more and tear people apart. I felt a little bitter that this wonderful potential for connecting with three of my favourite people from my twenties and early thirties, was squandered by the embaressment or intent of the situation I found on the kitchen floor, and the precluding luke warm conversation with kenny became clear as to its tone, he was hiding her int he kitchen and wanted another time to resolve our feud. I should never have known he had a conquest over her, it was a coincidence perhaps but the suspicioun of a conspiracy of commonalities, where two people talk of their pasts and meet at common denominators, and gradually realisethey have people in common, and that mid life isolation thing throws them into each others lonely and lusting embraces, mouths like cods in the air pressed and gaping at the chance of one more incidental, by the wayside love affaire.

The dream was begun more by me wondering about my new career route whcih will be a dead end most likely, but pay the bills and pension and allow me to live in a wonderful part of the world for the rest of my life without more than a 30 minute commute. The dream should have been a rational com,paritor dream then. I made my choices and missed  out on what some describe as success. Kenneth made his and the better man kind of came back to counsel the loser, by asking what success is when I in fact, have such a good quality of life. However the soul jungle dreamland threw a screw ball at me with Gill being there, fucked on the kitchen floor, his seed sprayed on her in a way as to deny her a child *she has none to my knowledge) and dominate her, while humiliating me, that this great love of my life, flash in the pan as she turned out to be, was just a sly shag, and wank in a warm body, an easy conquest.

I realised there are some places, people and times you can never really expect to go back to , and those things become regrets only if you let them burn in on you. This dream means one oif two things. Firstly if this is purely internal, then it is all about middle age catching up and how I have only come so far, yet must also drop the past. If there is a sould jungle of the peri consciousness, then Kenny is about to turn up in my life again, for better or for worse.