Toolkit for Getting out the Friends' Zone

FZing is the most horrid thing an amorous prospective guy can get - for a girl to be FZed by a guy believe me, run a mile. Men are always up for someone they find attractive when they are single at least. Women can demure with the FZ being used Believe me, the FZ is a terrible, sorrowful and dark place of male misery. It is like missing your flight having checked in. It is like seeing a taxi at 3am only for it to rush past you. It is like falling into a dark little hole where you are chained to the slimy wall of manipulation and scrutiny. techniques to avoid or get out fall into these categories, summarised from my findings: 1) Walk Away 2) Set on hold 3) rationing 4) jealousy 5) Call a Friend =============================================== 1) Walking Away This is by far the best set of techniques. It may seem the most brutal, but it will save both parties a lot of trouble in my experience, fZing doesnt happen that often, I tend to know when I get the 'show' from a girl and follow up, or they make it very obvious before they need to use the FZ brush off. ALso there is Tinder but with Corona lifting there are going to be flirts at the office, at parties, in extended social groups and so on. As well as getting FZed on the first actual tinder date. Friend-zoning is I understand though, about 90% a brush off in western societies. You can go into a whole pile of psychological and sociogical reasons as to whey girls do it as a brush off, rather than saying 'no, sorry I dont find you attractive or interesting'. It is often to save both face and grace when you both exist in a social circle though, but can be more devious. However in 10% or so of FZ reactions, it will be caution, fright, playfulness, demuring, etc there is a real reason to say 'hold your horses, wheeey up there!' The trouble is it will be almost impossible to sort out at face value because both are in essence, an insencerity which the party will not want to back down from and admit they were white lying. There fore you need techniques to diffuse the bomb. The first are walking away, or being prepared to walk away. a) walking, literally, away - rolling your eyes up , sighing, guffawing, 'uh-ing' and turning away. This in itself is a huge communication and body langiage can often elicit stronger, truer reactions than endless blah blah when a wall of defence like and FZ 'Lets just be friends line' is layed. Now you are on a risky route but hey, you avoid being the rotten dungeon of the FZ with a girl you really really want in another capacity. So now the ball is in the air , in her court area and she either has to play it if she wants to actually ne in the game, or it is getting called OUT by the time you have left the bar or party or room. You may get her following right after you, with the explanantion as to why she just FZed you ( 'i'm not ready for a relationship' , I'm seeing someone right now, etc.) . Or there could be a text apologising when you can then ask these questions in return. Or a communication via a pal, often to the negative of course. You then have of course, monday morning at the office to contend with if there is no further contact? Simple send an SMS saying, sorry I made a pass at you, but hey, youre great I am sure, but let it not go over our professionalism, I am cool with a knock back as being a plain 'no thanks' b) being prepared to walk away This is in here with the sales routine. FZ can be a stalling procedure. Maybe they dont think they are ready, after the last catastophe'. Maybe it was the wrong hormonal time of month or other things conspired to influence a temporary brush off. The sales routing is simple but you have to be prepared to walk away from the deal if the only card on the table is a persistant LJBF That is NO DEAL guys Sales begins with the invitation, and often there are then stalling tactics by the other party. Objections. Smoke screens to the uncomfortableness of being influenced by another person into some decision which may be quite weighty. So you need to qualify those objections. Sales training day 1. Ask questions and counter those answers with new questions if they are not clear. FZ happens because they are either nervous, or they have a BF , or are up in a promising cycle of dating already, they dont fancy you, wrong night/time of the month, they are with their pals, they think it would be nice but you have to work or be in another social group together, they are sexually frigid, they dont want a relationship now, they prefer FZ and friend sex to having a BF with expectations, BREATHE.....et cetera et cetera All the time dont get on the back foot of oh you dont like me? Stay on the offensive with her as the object, the accused. Oh, do you already have a BF? Are you not single and so on? 'Is this then not the right time or place to be asking you out? THere are lots of questions. Reading the body language will reveal the truth of the matter. A 'get me out of here' posture and short glances says it all, I was brushing you off FOOL! A chin up in your face can mean she is just wanting to tease you a little more, now she has you on her hook to play with and torment. A pause with eye contact and something said a little shyly is more like it. If she keeps reaching for LJBF, why cant we just be friends. Say, oh sorry I made a pass at you, Youre a fun and pretty girl. Pity you dont find me attractive' Oh well never mind, we are cool about this eh? 2) Set on Hold THis is kind of related to rationing, but is an immediate action intended to get a response So I looked at my mental notes, having time to formulate at answer it being CHat again and not talk, and said that , "great, we can maybe talk again in a few weeks time or a month, then I will have met someone new in the dating direction. Because tonight you are the only girl in the world for me. You are beautiful..." blah blah, you get my drift It worked immediately, I left her alone, and then she came back 9 hours later ' I'm thinking of you' 3) Rationing. This is a bit of a risk strategy but if you have notice a chemistry between you, and you know she is the type who maybe likes to be careful and get to know a guy, or has been hurt, then accepting an LJBF is ok. BUT you then dont want to be the soppy BF substitute, cathy's clown, who gets to hang around her and is there when ever she needs a ride to town, or her house fixing up. I had a very damaged girl, who was on the way up though, FZ me. Shit, she was the nearest to THE ONE ever. Tall, feminine, intelligent sexy, attracive and very young for 48. I went along with it and sought her attention a lot via SMS. (she was social media minus due to a nasty, nasty ex BF) Fizxed up her house, went on dog walks. Never ending LJBF comments, so I knew she was nervous and maybe we were faling in love. Eventually i got really hooked on her and a bit love sick, so I tried to back off. I stopped random happy things teksting and MMSing. Pang, five days went and pling pling pling, she sought my attention via SMS or called me. However this became a malaise and eventually my lack of action, being a man , pissed her off as we were pretty much in love, but just couldnt seal the deal because of her history and my seemingly laid back approach, which only hid nerves like handling a handgreande with the pin out. Rationing is about self respect and knowing your goals in life. It means doing wry things like cancelling walks or coffees together or just not answering texts for a day or more. 'Great. Talk later, busy for now' Also you can make it clear you are using your time to do cool stuff, but she is being held away because she is in the OUTER FZ and that is a nice enough place to keep her until she coughs up with a buying signal, THE SHOW i call it - the lingering eye contact, the invitation to a drink or dinner etc Rationing takes you out of fulfiling a girls need for attention and someone-to-talk to. And out of her need for power. My girl above, 48 years old, needed to take back the control over relations and men she had lost to a very nasty man who bullied her into the ground psychologically. A lot of girls get hurt and need to take control to feel they are defending themselves. That is fine. FZ is fine in those cases, nothing to get angry about. Just fuck it though, who needs a tantalising babe as a friend? Rationing your time and socialising away from her also is a form of jealousy making 4) Jealousy I have pulled a few ONSs on the back of flirting with one girl while another couldnt stand it. Once i did it on purpose, but jealousy is a strong emotion a girl will often struggle to hide. They can be jealous of other girls per se, getting attention, or more importantly feel suddenly jealous that someone has you. Strong emotions elicit reactions and actions. Ie they back down from the FZ and open up Coupled to rationing it is a very good method. You just conspire to be on a date when you know she might want to see you, or just say you are. And in the social circle, make a point of flirting with prettier or dirtier girls when she is within eye shot. For the office post pass FZ, then you can say of course ' Do you have any nice friends'? Now out of any context this is a massive insult to someone you just met, but to someone you know and you have made a pass on only to get LJBF, it is a good route. When you get her alone say ' well you know at least now that I am single. DO you have any nice, single freinds ? ......you can add a compliment, they dont have to be as pretty/etc as you' If she really isnt interested you will get a more direct brush off at this point as it is a known strategy of course, but if she is she might make a buying signal, or at least, she may actually come up with a couple of phone numbers or better yet, ask you to a party a lot of singles will be at , or introduced you to a vetted pal at a sports meet or concert. This in sales used to be called 'snow balling' where you get referred to someone who MIGHT be in the market by asking ' do you know of someone who is single ? Maybe by three degrees of snow-balling seperation and two FZs in that mix, you will meet your THE ONE anyway?? 5) Call a friend I should have done this in fact with said 48 y.o. because her best pal happens to be a psychiatric nurse and probably would have been very understanding over a coffee to both my dilemma and the needs of the woman I had fallen head over heels in love with. Just ask a pal if the girl of interest is actually interested in more than FZ LJBF bullshit?? Call up or talk to a pal if the FZ thing is kind of rolling along, and you are a little trapped by her being social while she maybe sends mixed signals out. For an obvioulsy shy girl or one who may be scarred from previous encounters, this is no bad approach. For the life and soul of the party, a self confident girl of interest, this is maybe a BAD idea because it is a little sneaky, going behind her back. MOre direct techniques above are the winning line there. You have to tread carefully. FInd out first and foremost if they are comfortable about talking about her and the situation you are in. You may elicit a strong jealousy response of course, but putting it like ' i really am in a bit of a muddle here, and could really do with your help just to clarify' ...then 'well you know, me and Heidi are friends now ...yeah? Well it feels to me like we really like each other and care about each other and it is going romantic, but I dont want to really mess it up if she actually doesnt find me attractive' Back to being 15 at school ' does she fancy me like ?' but with a serious intention. Like my psychiatric nurse above, you have to know a little about the friend or at least could guess they are close enough to have talked about you. It is a very 'defusing a bomb by remote control' , a little clumsyness and BOOM you blow your credibility =========================== Guys, dont get put in the friend zone from someone you really want. Try and get the hell out of it asap.

Orbiters, Ghosters....Best Not FB with Dates !

I have a little string of 'dates' who I have unfortunetly friended on FB. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it feels like they are bad luick pendants on my uncharming necklace of a year of falling flat. Why do they just orbit you, and worse ghost you despite often sending the original FB request ?? Well if you sent them a request then it is clear, they want to be polite, they dont want to hurt your feelings and maybe even want to avoid end up being potentially on some male chat group as a bitch or it getting back to them through old analogue gossip. But on the other side there is a bit of a women power thing. They have you, one they casted off, or one to show their mates or what ever. Either power over you or prestige with their mates, or making another suitor jealous. On that last point I sometimes wonder if dating in itself is to make a.n.other a bit on their toes or even jealous. So we come then to ghosting, where they ignore any comments you make on their posts, and dont like your stuff ....apart from maybe once in a looong while. Then they are ghosting as a power thing. A recent date went well, as did no 2 but she had me on FB and probably did some objective thinking which in dating is a no-no. Why did I do that? to be open with her, to lay myself before her. Well then you are no longer controlling the message. You are too available, no mystery or romance. Everything is explained or interpreted without you guiding or influencing any of it. Anyway, she lived quite far away. And in fact there wasnt much more than the chance of a nice time or two and some shagging. My other recent, very appropos proved to be a lot prettier in real life than photos, sort of unphotogenic. I sent her an FB request after a loong date involving her spare room and a walk next day. She did not accept. Not good. So FB is to be roundly avoided until maybe the deal is sealed, and you are an item. Then things are rosey in the garden What about FB as an intelligence tool? Do they really look like they do in their Tinderland images ? Well the only thing there I have learned is that women who fake their images with older ones or smoothing do the exact same thing in the name of vanity in vain on FB. Also on FB, ok, so who is it? Can I ask a mutual pal what they are like?? The last time I asked about a girl I did the detective work on, I was told she was bipolar before even her husband took his own life, so that was maybe more than I needed to know, and hey, maybe the girl needed a bloody hug , not to be handled with asbestos gloves,. Perfect failed date was exactly that, she was old, intraverted and did not keep as fit as she said. her images were of when she was nice and brown and maybe five years younger. We lived not that far from each other. i found her on FB but that was it, same vintage of images with a nice sun tan and no crow lines at the edges of her eyes.ie old. We did comm's only on tinder and afterwards there was little chat , i asked if she was shy and she deleted me as a match, thank you so very much. You can also block phone numbers, so hell, fdrop the whole social media thing and just meet for a date and walk away from it intact and dont gather wee space junk satelites in orbit around you.

Getting Out of the Friends-Zone in Corona Times

Well I have had some more opportunity to experience the friend zoning phenomenon I dated a really pretty Lithuanian. I am sceptical to east Euro's but she was very genuine in chat, if not good in languages foreign to her. First date started witha hug then, because we had already had some telephone conversations. Which is actually the first step of getting out of FZ in Covid times. A girl may be happy to chat on messenger or Snap , it is safe and disposable and you can play or lie or do what ever you like, and cut off answers or consider them first, or have three blokes on the go at the same time. Talk is not so cheap these days. It is a move towards being accepted and becoming intimate. This , works I kissed her good bye after securing a 'do you want to see me again? ' positive answer of course. But then she text3ed me and FZed me....puzzled..... So I looked at my mental notes, having time to formulate at answer it being CHat again and not talk, and said that , great, we can maybe talk again in a few weeks time or a month, then I will have met someone new in the dating direction. Because tonight y9u are the only girl in the world for me. You are beautiful blah blah, you get my drift It worked immediately, I left her alone, and then she came back 9 hours later ' I'm thinking of you' Anyway, I got a snog on new years eve with some Bollinger she had to drink, so it was a lovely end to the year, but next date was difficult to squeeze out her. BECAUSE OTHER MAN!

See last blog, you see FZ is a way of putting you on the shelf while they consider someone who often was in the que before you, or at the same time and is maybe a little shall we say, appropriate feeling for her. So I prove both my practice and my theory! Also because I had played my cards, it was off my chest. There was not prolonging the agony as I did with a dippy lawyer two years ago, who nervously FZed me all the time in terms of reminding me " we are JUST friends" ....she wanted me to be more of a man and defy her I believe, but also she was carrying on with a married man at the time, so god knows where I fitted in. So guys, if you really are hot for a girl, refuse to be FZed, use this type of technique. Deny access to your support and friendship without more intimacy and potential. Lay your cards on the table and be prepared to take the gamble to walk away, because permitting an FZ to occur is basically for wimps, and the girl looking for her perfect, maliable friend who is attractive but at arms length, on demand like a chihouha on a leash, in fact a gay man who doesnt really want to have her, but whom she can have. The FZ is a sad, loser place to be, I allowed it to happen to me maybe twice with really good potential GFs and it spoiled everythign for both of us. It is not an option, unless they have very hot, single friends themselves. Then the game is up for grabs

Why Do Girls 'Friend Zone'You ?

Through out a man's romantic life, from preschool to the elderly care home, he will make advances on a woman and often get a 'let's just be friends'. Women get this too, but hey, here we come into just why men don't understand the FZ thing and get so perplexed by it. Because if a woman get's friend zoned then it is for three simple reasons 1) He is in a stable relationship 2) He absolutely does not find you attractive (or his type, or you are too attractive for him to be comfortable with ) 3) He is gay, or worse perhaps, asexual. Men then try and interpret a woman*s 'FZ' reaction to their amorous advances, in what they as men understand- how they would react themselves. There can be truth in that above, one to three. But women have a whole list which comes under 'let me think about it' if you could attempt to summarise. We have to understand that men are by in large more sexually motivated than women. This is of course a cultural stereotype, or conformity, but it in many many psychological studies from McKinsey's days, the biological mold fits. Women invest a womb, 9 months gestation, a year or two breast feeding, and years of most often being primary care worker. Men want to penetrate and enjoy possessing a valuable woman. Kids are part of cultural conditioning and keeping that valuable woman happy and possessed. So we have sorted the biology out a little. More on that later, but what about the psychology? Well women find it harder to make up their minds about men, than men do about women. However famous men, or those with stereotypically masculine jobs, are knicker droppers. Clint Eastwood, George Clooney, and any fireman who works out a bit. When we come to the fact that ALL male fire fighters are happily married to NURSES ( LOL ) and George and Brad are otherwise occupied, then we come down to earth with the regular joes. So the first dilema for a woman is ' Do I need a boyfriend anyway?' .....back to biology. Studies show that women are more receptive to mens advances on and around their ovulation and least when their period is very near. They are no per se / necessarily consciously sexually arousable, but they are more likely to enter positive social contact with the oppostie sex. So we can start to imagine possible cures to this ill of being put in the FZ by a girl you are hot for , and maybe feel there has been signals over the coffee machine or while walking dogs in the park. The second dilema is ' how does he compare to the others?' . Attractive women ALWAYS have men after them. They have older men, younger men, married men and divorced men making little advances. Often on a daily basis at work. Some make bigger advances and they too, get FZed ....or they enter an innappropriate affair for some attention and sex. So guys, I have been here....two years ago, a lot of heart wrenching shit I had to go through to conclude the girl of my dreams was carrying on with a married man, and I was a kind of distraction from the stress of having but not owning him. Women can weigh you up then. So let us see then, aha, yes these two issues of choice making are unfortunetly interrelated. That is to say, this same girl in an innappropriate affair, may have reacted differently to me if I had met her when she was ovulating. In fact it went a lot longer than that but she held me off. So how do we sort this all out? Well there are always methods of coping with this. Firstly, unlike me, never let a friend zone develop when you really have the hots for a girl. You are building a nasty little prison for yourself where you will always be looking out the window at the love life outside but not getting let out early for good behaviour. One approach is to to just back off , hands up, and say , sorry , I'm not your type. Hmm, well that is accepting a Knock Back like a good loser. BUT what if you have to work with this girl or see her every day walking your dog ??? This then becomes red faces on at least one side. But if it is someone you have met briefly or don't need to see often, then yes, just say, ok, sorry I'm not maybe your type. Linger then a little with some eye contact to see if this was just a kind of shy, reflex response which is another difference between average man and average woman. In what ever scenario, you have to be prepared to do the same thing. Walk away. Attractive women will be used to advances, maybe not had one in a while, but they will also be used to having to live with it and just brush the whole thing off and carry on being colleagues or what ever. But putting you in the friends zone is like putting the caller on hold when you know you actually don't have the capacity or motivation to deal with the enquiry there and then.+* So another approach is to bluff over to accept her offer. LJBF. Ok . " Sure, we can hang out and do some friends things, whats your number?' This is the wise guy's line of action. If it is a pure brush off then you wont get a number. And what do you do with said number or Snap handle? Reply saying, here >I am, you seem like a fun person to be around. Chat another time. Now you are walking away. You have made your play. If she is interested in you, you will by all means get a reply. BUT she will probably be FZing you once again because now you are a little doggy on a lead, one of maybe two, three, ten suitors.....She has you chasing after her but she has all the control in the FZ to get to know you and to consider you versus the others. So she replies. Send a smiley. You don't reply until next day. Give a polite reply. Then if she wants to chat, say sorry, you are busy. Already you have her on the back foot a little. She wants to pull doggy on the lead out for a nice walk, see how you trott along beside her. Already you are setting a higher price on what you don't do with her than that which she wants to do with you. CHat and consider you. After this you can then choose to suddenly engage in a funny, or meaningful chat with them. Or if you see them at work judge the body language. Are they seeking you ? Are they even playing hard to get? Or are they just not that interested in fact and take off those rose tinted spectacles. Now this is obviously a stale mate in maybe a large majority of cases here. She isn't sure about you, probably either too shy, or too conditioned into expecting the man to make all the moves. In effect if you are hot for each other, but she is just holding up on a decision, you are in the Mexican stand off, each side not wanting to shoot because you may anhilate the yourself in the battle of wills. It is check, but far my friend from Check Mate Most guys sit and dwell on this and think about esculating. This is what loads of books and blogs talk about. Basically this means luring the girl into a more date type scenario in the hope she enters the non friends zone, the moved on to kissing zone. THis is a bit wrong because by this time unless she has made any propositions in this direction, you are the little doggy on the lead and she has the power to decide in yet another amorous advance scenario. At this stage with nothing to loose you could say, hey, why don't we try going out a little and see if there is a chemistry ? Then you are forcing a decision rather than trying to make circumstances fit when, for the hidden unebknown to man infront of her reasons, that approach may well fail because she doesn't have to decided YET again. Remember attractive women get greater or lesser veiled passes made at them on a regular basis, you have to be lucky that they are recpetive sometimes and you hit that button there and then. Another thing you can use then, which I had success with recently after being FZ, is saying, OK, I understand you just want to be pals, and say in two three weeks time I will have cooled off, be dating from Tinder in that direction, and we can be pals' NOW we are hitting the nail on the head. Response? OK I understand, you are a man of flesh and bone, we can chat in two weeks time. Later on, 9pm same night I get this reply " thinking of you...." . I tested the water, is she interested in getting to know me or is it just BS? Does she have something more there? IS she afraid of missing out on me ? The key to the whole game forward os FOM. The old sellers tactic. This offer is only for this week. Fear of Missing out. Now on the one hand maybe a girl is afraid of making the WRONG choice or if they just have you in front of them, that you MAY be wrong for them., That is their emotional dilema. Now with FOM, you just presented them with a whole new, over riding dilema. That your valuable body, mind and skills will be lost to another woman. So here you have two main tools then. Being prepared to walk away, and limiting your valuable time to make yourself seem more valuable and harder to get. THen creating a tension that you are soon not going to be available. I had better nab him now before someone else does Here I went way wrong and was a little honest and dishonest. I didnt want a GF really, but she was soooooo goooood a match for me that I was prepared to be in the FZ. and I said that to her. So I became a zombie. In the land of the sexual dead, which she couldnt over come,. Neither could she choose me over the married man she is now with today, nor could she see that I was going to withdraw my availability. She even asked me round the houses if people should just have a ONS and be hjonest about it. She was flailing around unable to press herself into choosing me because there was zero pressure, I was there, little doggy jumping up on her lap. I tried pulling away, but she would come witha caring text message after four or five days. So I got more entrenched in my own dilemma and tried to rationalise yes, this will be ok, just pals is fine even though the fly on the wall could see we were (in retrospect of others ) in love with each other. FOM also brings us into how to build FOM instead of luring someone into dating. It is opportunities to DENY and make JEALOUS. 1) You arrange a coffee meet out of work times. You cancel, in polite time. If she asks why, you say you have a date 2) You conspire to go to a party or the pub, when you know there will be other girls there. GO either early or late, and make a point of flirting like hell with other girls around the place. Even if you are in no way interested in them! As long as it is highly visible. 3) The big one. If you are regular friendly, and there has been more than one or two reminders of "we are just friends" then ask her straight out if she has any attractive single pals, or ask her if she knows if such and such is single. THis is risky as it is the ultimate rejection. It is saying to her face, I am finished with any interest in you, I am well and truyly in the market though, help me out and at least be a little useful to me. Through all this you have to judge the body language and how she reacts to all this, but you are prepared to walk away from any more than a polite and nice working or dog walking relationship. For me, well I would just know I guess I can read that much, but what are the buying signs? Well as above , a buying sign may first arrive when you first make it clear that you dont want to invest much time in her. You are not an idle text distraction. Friendship might be something the opposite sex can have with a mild attraction, but if you have the hots for her, it is as well as saying ok, go back on the rail, nice to look at, looks like I can't afford you right now. You need to establish a higher value and see if they set a higher price than the FZ on you. Buying signs can be subtle though, but usually FOM gives a decided facial and physical response which shows she is ready to say yes. A little fear there and then. A little reaching out, laying them selves open to fire. And spoon feeding you it may seem to her too. Usually things will conspire to a meeting in some form or other, and very often there are co conspirators at play setting you up with her in a situation. Usually in western countries, involving alcohol as a kind of loosening oil for the cogs of attraction to finally be unleashed on both sides. Another approach when the signals are very unclear leads on from this co-conspirator. I have discussed this with a few women recently and in fact, it will be more illuminating and less risky than you think, especially in slightly older girls when they have a good BFF. You've had fifty fifty, now you are going to ask a friend .. her bestie to be precise. It really cannot be anyone else, I tried not long ago to ask about a former colleague by asking her whom sits beside her everyday, and she said yeah, she is single I think....only to find out the contrary. Also looser pals, colleagues, team mates, old school compartiots may have hidden agendas. True a BFF may want to protect her BF from you,. But it is EXTREMELY likely that you have been discussed until her BFF is sick and tired of it, and wants as much as anyone, closure in this matter. So ask her. Simple as, I have gotten to know Mary and you knwo she is great, but she is sending me odd signals these days...should I ask her out ? I mean a romantic direction? A BFF will want the best for her pal, and if she says dont know then she is lying to protect you. You are the little doggy on the lead, while Mary there is intent on someone else and you are an also ran. "Sure, why not (erm ??" is kust as bad, in other words you aint good enough to be talked about with BFF which just wouldnt happen if you were. A BFF may not like the idea of you per se, but if Mary is keen, then she will say. It may not be a bad thing to obviously flirt with a BFF in front of Mary here , but really it is nt a tall ask to just phone her, avoid texting so that you can get an idea of the tone of the reply. Or even better ask her for a coffee to discuss mary. Rejection of this approach reflects the feeling there in wee Mary. That this is a bad idea, and in fact, maybe you were FZ'ed just to be polite. So here is a final word of warning about being put firmly in the FZ, and then trying to escalate and just going deeper into being smitten and loved up and all is just unrequited.

More Fire from the Tinder

Is Tinder plus and Gold worth it?

Well yes ..,,,and No

A lot of people are tempted to get the pay for upgrades after their first few days of little if any success, or quick dismissals from passing flirty matches.

However here in lies the rub.

Firstly Tinder has by now an infamous algorythm which presents highly ranked (liked) people first in your scanning, They let the users generate a piopularity and attractiveness rating system by just getting on with swiping right. See last blog, a cynical plot mayeb to get unattractive people to pay, and clear out attractive people into relationships so they don't clog up the band width with pretty free loaders.

This ranking though takes ages to settle down, maybe three days or even more. You can probably fox it a bit by waiting to install your app while you are in a large town or a city, thus getting a higher arithmetic like ranking by pure critical mass and chain reaction.

Second Rub

Tinder will always show you the ones who liked YOU, first. They are amongst the first ten you see, often thrown in even if they live outside the radius you have fixed yourself.

So you could just drop buying the app to see your likes.

Well for me I paid this time to be able to see my likes and work my way through them rather than random swiping. It explains though a lot of ' oh god, not her AGAIN* because wherever you travel or relocate virtually to in Gold, they follow you like a bad smell until you unlike them, then they either delete and come on again (i nbelieve) next week, or Tinder deletes the Nope and lets them out in the paddock again.

Now most of them are, ahem, not going to go anywhere with me, but they help a lot in boosting my own alogrythm  pideion hole of likeability. I can then work methodically through them.This is what appeals to me, that the odd gold nugget lands on you and you don't miss them, they have found you on their criteria of age and distance not yours of course,

This means in theory that you can do things like build up to a series of dates in a near by town, by selecting to convert two or three likes into mathces from that town or area.

Or you can try out different strategies, like matching them all but not writing to any of them, seeing then who is really keen on you and makes the first move. Usually that is what marks out the ego like seekers from the ones looking for a man.

Results ?

Well so far I would say the results are slightly better quality than from not g when I last had the app installed. I feel I could control my mathcing, and avoid swiping on the open market so to speak all together. But I can't becaise I am like a shark in a shoal of tuna, I want to bite out here and there, see if I get a catche.

What I am really hoping for is the following though

A lonely babe, fed up with troiphy hunters, either too young or too pretty to get a swipe from me, lies there in YOur Likes inbox like a winning lottery ticket. Or that a lurker, one who peeps out once in a while to like not quite understanding how tinder works, will like me and then I will be one of the very few matches she gets.  Or a new, hot babe, is on the tinder swipe-wave and I catch her before the other guys who don't pay to play.

The Hinterland of Tinderland

What lies behind the scenes at Tinder?

Well the fact is in principle Tinder is very, very simple . You see people to your criteria, and others see you if you are in their criteria. A simple bit of SQL programming and in a local small country server, not very intensive on bandwidth or CPU time. So you have space for quite a  lot of photos.

However the Gods of Tinder have put a weird little twist on this with an algorythm which serves up the most liked, ie popular, people first in any search (discover window) :

Why this somewhat "lookist" approach?  I am a bit baffled. Like the Rich getting Richer, the more attractive get shown more often.

This maybe for Tinder to get  shot of the attractive ones asap. Low server load after an initial peak, as they enter reality land and dating. They themselves feel Tinder has been worth while, not paid for it,

Or is it a more insipid approach, to make the lonely, lonelier? To make them cough up for Tinder plus or Tinder Gold in order to get more likes from people, well , around their own level of attractiveness.

Perhaps it is simpler. The populist algorythm makes Tinder as a whole seem like a more fabulous pretty people night club?  And this is the simplest means of sorting , let the punters do it - more CGM, consumer generated prioritising of prettier people.


Well here is a little old club trade secret. At night club launches and first weekends open, or when they are performing a little lack lustrery, they hire in models (usually hiring girls for hetero clubs) to make the place looks sexier. Sort of also ran models, and descreet escort agency girls and any common or garden pretty student they have managed to press gang.  Does Tinder pay for Trolls or have AlgoBots with fake profiles ? I doubt it very much indeed. Margins per customer are like the distance between subaatomic particles, they are pico wafer thin. They rely on volume, and that it is a consumer generated media. They aren't going to pay people to troll you.

So  perhapsTinder is most likely trying to shine  with the glossy people first, making the poorly liked feel poorer. Relying on the old thing that attractive people don't have to pay to play, but the uglier ones have to buy lots of drinks for themselves and their would be squeezes, so that they feel they have invested in something. Cynical ?  Well hey, they seem to make hee haw money from Advertising I guess by the paltry number of ads for a free app in outset,  so they are trying to make as much as they can for their share holders as any other company.  Attractive people are like your advertising budget, you don't know how much is wasted, but you need an image which sells.

Now how about another little oddity I noticed. It does seem that Tinder seems to serve up new people fisrt, but possibly people who have turned off their profile become new too. Personally I think that Tinder rations how many folk you see, because when I run dry of new people, I switch firstly my profile off, then wifi off, and within a minute I am back on in reverse order only to find one or two new and often hot profiles.

I also like switching it off because then I believe that vice versa is true for my profile, and I get served up more often. Which can be a disadvantage come-to-think of it, because then you look like a desperado, always appearing in the in box !

TInder does do one thing though which is annoying, it stretches the distance  search above that of your criteria when you go dry, and serves up people who have hidden their distance in Gold. THis is an irritation, because there is no way I am having a relationship with anyone over an hour away.

  IS TINDER GOLD WORTH THE MONEY ?


Why do you want to hide your age? Why do you want to Hide your Location?

These are both no-no's for me, although I have tried it and then when I get matches, put either one I am sort of testing, up, or both to then show my cards to my matches.

Also there then is the changing location. You can search anywhere you like. I tried Buenos Aeres having heard of the hot (my type) Brunettes there, and was not disappointed. THey also really look after them selves and look ten years younger !  But that was just tom foolery.

However if you are thinking of moving to a place or just like a place a little outside your daily life radius, then that is a good feature. TO be frank I don't think I ever wangled a date out of it, and I have been on maybe 6 physical dates, the firth producing a year long very nice relationship ( other wise there would have been more dates, sthupid) . So I don't know.

Then of course there is getting to see who likes you. Now at first this seemed exciting, then I was shocked at how far away , even arboad, many lived and also how many divorced immigrant ladies with terrible grammar there were. I am not hooking up with a cleaner from Venezuala thank you very much. There were the desperadas and the pictures of landscape 'shy trolls' .

It does look very like another little trick of Tinder is that your latest "like-you" profiles appear number two and three in the next round of profiles once you have been off a while.

So I paid for somethign I kind of get anyway, but  Amongst them all, there were some gold nuggets. So gaily, sorry, straightly, I venture into engaging them all in Chat. BIG Mistake

CURE FOR CHAT OVERLOAD

More than Two Chats becomes total overload. In fact you are better with one at a time. It jut gets too much of hearing what they do, where they live, how many kids etc. I go right in with "what is a nice girl like you...:" or just "Why are you on Tinder then ?"

So, the strategy is to use Tinder Gold and pick out, one by one your likes. You can totally avoid swiping apart from this. It is a waste of swiping away if you have paid to see your likes first. You may as well carry on and let folk like you, by switching off your profile for a few days at a time.

Also here is a little kind of trick. You can research which pictures get most likes, or just vary the type of appeal you capture, homely, sporty etc, and see who likes you, using this approach. See what is most popular. Tinder does regurgitate your non likes or previous matches, or used to at least, at some point down the line.

Now there is another wee benefit of Tinder gold, see your likes. You can put all the like you's, whome you don't likr,  who would otherwise turn up like bad pennies. But that doesn't happen so often now. Maybe Tinder is popular enough that no like means just that, bye bye.....until of course you delete profile.


Patience is a virtue.

How many can you realistically expect to date at the same sort of time, initially?  If you live in a metropolis then maybe it is easy to line up some speed dates at a Starbucks down town, but if you live in less than huge place, then you are most likely going to end up with one-date-at-a-time or long waits around coffee shops for the next one, getting stood up too.

Impatience on Tinder is risky though. This is where we get into Super Liking and Chance. Both are sessentially forced matches, because some Superlikes go straight to match apparently, and chance matches are just out of the blue, usually with someone with a fairly new and quite popular profile it seems. I had one very, very my type super like me on my new round of Tindering recently.

Also when you have apparently 'ghosting' matches, if they look like genuine profiles and they are ghosting you, then make a quality decision. In agreement with a friends attitude, I regularly dropped them after saying "hello, nice to match" and waiting a day. But people are busy and also they are working their way through the list of matches, which in ANY attractive females case will be long as they get bags of superlikes. Let them weed out the one-night-standers, perverts, married men/women, fake profiles and economic catastrophe divorce victims before they get to you, a golden nugget ! 

Also I ghost too. Often now, because I find that girls who really have the spark for me, make contact very soon. Whereas girls who don't and offer a look warm reply, just want to chat and be impressed by your chat contra the dozens of other men theyt have chatted too, but dare not meet up with (because they are shy, or inhibuted, dammaged or in a relationship)

SO IS GOLD WORTH IT?


Well  you can use Tinder Gold in different ways for different objectives, but if you plain and simply want to meet a local partner , or someone you really like the look of further afield, then it is a bit of a waste of money most likely. If you like the 'relocation' feature, fine, and it can be used in combination with hidiing your distance such that you pop up early in their profile show reel and they maybe choose you instead of thinking you are too far away.

As for Hiding Age, well that is a big rich, if you hide age and distance and have an iffy Tinderhandle then you promote a kind of bad image of yourself without realising it perhaps. Evasive and not quite honest. You can simply lie about your age if you want to appear younger , or older.

Seeing your likes? Well that is an interesting feature for doing research because you can go in and see them, maybe even google them if they have a rare name for the location, and take your time to match them. You can be patient and work your way through them one by one too, only matching when you want to, and making an effort to think about a nice first and second date on neutral ground.

My main recommendation is not how you get as far as matches, but what you damn well do with them. Chatters avoid the issue of dating, they want to chat, and move over to snap to chat, and FB you, soon as you know it it has  all been for  nothing. People in the market for a date need to be asked out after an initial preamble and some humour. That is the besty point to do it actually, crack a wee joke , maybe poke fun at yourself, then say, sooo, would you like to meet up for a coffee?

If they chat-zone you at this point, to get-to-know-you-better, then be wary, and if they avoid the issue, then they are just there to waste your time, perhaps revenging an unfaifthul spouse by being naughty - flirty  but safe .Whatever, after a move like this, chat a lot less. Ask a few questions about what you want to know, and maybe avoid answering their questions. Then talk about what you like doing more, what might be a perfect first date, or perfect romantic second date. .....then pop it again.

After that it is best to either just say, sorry you are not interested in meeting me and getting to know me as the real person, goodbye. Or say you have met someone, dating them , and like one at a time. Chat next week ? Or say you are not very good at chat really, and ghost them.  I wouldn't bother taking them to Snap chat because you can share more pictures with them, privately, by hiding your profile and putting them up on Tinder. They appear in Stream and they can and will see them believe me. Go to snap or Messenger AFTER you secure a date, or the principle of a date.


My ex came out the closet to me as a "chatter". She is too embarressed and inhibited to go on dates, She likes the attention and someone new to talk to, but has no intention of going further, even with VERY attractive men who have great luxury lives and expensive stuff, and are nice and kind it seems. What a waste of space.

How long should chat go? Well someone who is a bit wordly wise and been on some Tinder dates will be ok with a little half hour chat max, then arranging to meet. If they seem to have a real profile then you can exchange telephone numbers, or move over to messenger or Snap. Telephone numbers these days are really good, because you can instantly find out their full name and then FB search them and Linked in Etc to profile them for old picturing (GOD GIRLS STOP THAT ! BE HONEST) or massive attention seeking on Face'  and Insta'

There are some very shy, or dammaged people out there who despite being genuine and not **chatters** want to spend time on line getting to know you. Some will hold you to Tinder because it is safest, most anonymous. That really is difficult, because they appear just like a chatter. But the way round this is to ask if they are painfully shy, saying sorry do you mind me asking?  I did this recently with a really pretty German girl, and she said, absolutely not LOL...so I kind of knew she was just pissing about, not interested in a date.

At the end of the day, good old biochemistry has it ALL to say really. You can build up a false prospect on line, and find out they are odd, or have really old pictures out on Tinder or so on. BUt meeting someone and the first glances, body scan, smile and then laugh and hey, that is what it is about.

Tinder and all the dating apps can't subsittute that, they just facilitate more meetings in person, and you should drop Chatters asap.

Four Weddings and a Funnel

Three weddings

What do three otherwise unrelated weddings, none of which I have attended, have in common, and what do they then have in kind of contrasting relatedness?

Is it the romantic haitus which caused things not to work out? Were they weddings where I would have been the bridesmaid but never the Bride?


No a lot more mundane than that.

The thing is that it was all about being much further back down the line of romance, in fact just dabbling whille those going up to the alter were diving in.

I went through a period in my early thirties where girls wanted me to go to weddings with them,. In quick succession . But also I had taken a girl to a wedding before that.

I went to a wedding with probably the most beautiful but tragically tainted girl I ever met. She was a western isles beauty.  Curly locks of hair falling, a kind of callow complexion, quite tall, very thing and elegant, perfectly proportioned if you like the size 8 long look, Champagne glass breasts. She looked a little french when she was 16 and I was a kind of messed up 21 year old. But years later a good pal got married and we had met up, and I asked her if she wanted to come,. ...we had a habit of meeting up down the years, once in Arrochar as I drove by, I just turned round to talk to her and ended up on a road trip with her.

She looked amaxing at the wedding, straightened hair dyed kind of brownish red hair. She wore pink tight trousers, above the ankle, and a navy blue jacket,. She looked like what she wanted to actually be, a successful actress. Which she wasnt because she was a bit unhinged, a bit of an alter ego me. Lost in her own thoughts often, relating rather badly to the world around her. A distant soul in a way.

She wanted a free meal, and some drink, Oh yes, she drank. And the drugs later she told me. Addictive personality.

Anyway the wedding, we eat and we were a little sociable, It was my best mate at Uni and I was already drifting a bit away from him. Later we cadged a joint and hid outside the hotel, unbeknowingly under the nuptual window. Some druinken things were over heard, amusing sexual innuendos. It was an odd thing. Me with a perfect looking girlfriend, them upstairs supposedly enjoying their prima nocta. None of it was quite right. everything was actually dysfuinctional. The grooms long standing infidelity. My inability to be a manly man, a beast who just took my beauty and seduced her with animal passion.  This was about 97 I think

I had even played with her pussy once.

It was a bit like the forbidden fruit I was afraid to devour, but took a lick of the dripping sap.

Eventually we even met up in the time of the other weddings. She confessed to her addictions and her rehab,. How she drank Vodka to reduce the smell on her breath. The coke. The pills. She then wanted me to hear her poetry. She was a beautiful looking being, but her poetry was a lot of convoluted pseudo intellectual pish. Some people carry it off, but they have a line of logic. To me it was babbling,. Maybe it was good and on another level I didnt get.

She went home. Eventually we never saw again, those surreptious meetings stopped, the gods no longer wanted us to intertwine and try to fix each other. Her being lostness in her own mind, and my lack of self confidence and nerves in the face of conflict.

The other weddings were the other way around.

Then I was the hot catch.

I was still in the days of going to a party and being able to get that little tell tale connection with s girl AND follow it up.

 Her nickname was Spike, and as usual, I wasnt quite expecting to meet someone. She reeked to me of needing a shag, and she did. I think we did it on the second date, which, for a nymphomaniac was decency and holding out uintil we knew each other.

So the sex was great, and she was nice, but a little crazy. More than unhinged. She was a possible because she was nice and the sex was, well amazing, but she was a messy girl without a decent career ahead of her. Neither a housewife for the yuppie business builder I had thought about being, nor a partner in crime in leveraging us into the lbuy to lett market,. Soooo I kind of was going along with a nice in bed, slightly innapropriate post student years malaise type person. It came down to a stinking messy kitchen and some rotten tangerines in a sack lying on the sitting room easy chair for months on end. Bought at christmas, i picked up the bag in early February, to a cloud of blue mould in the air.

Where then the wedding in this? Well of course these next three weddings weren't ours. And they werent those of anyone I knew, or really wanted to know for that matter.

Spike wanted me to go to a wedding in somewhere like Guildford or Leicster. It involved the shuttle or a hire car or me driving or the like.

Moving along quickly, skipping over but a mere six months or so I meet my next prospect at a party. I get this time a nod and a wink, and in fact I had been told I would fall for her by her best mate, whom ensured she would be at said flat party. We hit it off and either that night or another one, we ended up in bed. She pushed away, saying this was just sex. But I was open and wanted some new little adventure. I'd had a nice one nighter with a gorgeous friend who admitted to having a huge crush on me without having to say anything. Turned out to be a nyumpho.

Anyway, this new type of mine she was gorgeous ...from the chin down. A wonderful figure, easily tanned, looked more french than scottish, a huge head of thick black, flowing hair. From behind, it was like making love to one of those perfect bodied babes you just dont really get. But she was an alco baby. She had all the hall marks of her mum's heavy drinking during a pregnancy she probably didnt know about. Round eyes, dropped ears with a poorly defined lobe, and a thin, squinty mouth.

The truth was as simple as this. After my two big loves around 30 years old mark, who both rejected me, I was in the middle of a great shag fest. I was attractive and had a quantum of confidence, and a job which was a bit of a knicker dropper apparently.

Anyway, no2 here of the latter day weddings fiascos, was just not quite there for me. She was dirty, but had her hang ups about her prettier and more successful sister. The one who didnt get alcohol dammaged. She was a bit odd about some things and up tight and neurotic about the relationship.

It was like Esther, the only "long" term mid twenties malaise girl friend I bothered to go out with for any legnth of time. She was moany, a bit pathetic, always thinking I had been more in love with my previous ex. She could be bossy and overbearing too. Uncharming,. I enjoyed being ahem, fulfilled by her but it went on far, far too long for both of our goods. She lacked self confidence so we couldnt build upon each other. She was just a nice shag and she was nice to experience and I had been lonely after my ex left to Ireland.

Esther had no marital haitus. She moved home to her mums, came off the pill, and I lost interest surprise surprise.

So these two others then, Spike and the next one, yeah. It came down to the wedding invitation. The set up to be the man on the arm, That they too, could catch a decent man and keep him.

Maybe a recent daliance which bit me in the tail was karma for all this come to think of it.

Wedding 2 involved sitting in a car most of the weekend to go to be at a wedding I knew no one. My back was playing up and I put my foot down. NO: I wasnt going to be an exhbition Ken to Barbie.

No 2 was quite open about it. I left her in tears in her blue mrk 3 golf afterwe had a meeting to discuss things, which I knew was using to end it if she didnt five up on this wedding noncsence.  " What's the point in having a boyfriend if you can't take him to a wedding*

I had to move to look after my old mum after that, but it wasnt long before I was back there, yet another. This time she was much older and wiser, and knew that it just wasnt quite there for me, nor was the chemistry so great.  She called the game a bogey about the time when I was not really giving a shit.

So three weddings down.

One to go.

COVID 19 has done it for this new wedding. A super romantic affair on an Italian lake for a wealthy family my new squeeze was once an au paire for, said offspring now to be legally wed. It has fallen through and I am wondering If I am falling through and she is losing interest?

It would be ironic, but the boot is more or less on the same foot. Girls wanting a little fantastic romantic get away, man in arm to show off to her peer group that her life hasn't been a long succession of not quite good enoughs.



Well it has been for me, until these last three loves of my life, who are all maybe a bit too good for me.  Esther,Spike, No. 2 and the Hebridean beauty were all not good enough for me.

Odd that weddings are the kind of benchmarking exercise.

Nice Girl Syndrome Revisited .....

Nice girl syndrome, and for that matter,  nice guy syndrome whcih I have probably been on the other end of the stick of. What is that all about?

Well of course it only happens when we are single and have a toe in the market at least.

At 18 and at 45, divorced, you have a similar perspective dilemma. If you meet someone now, having been alone, then you maybe have to be with them for life or at least through some of your best years?

Ooh, what if somethign better comes along, it will hard to dump a nice girl / guy?  What about spreading your wild oats and having some fun?

We are back then to disposable sex and consumable love.

I had a whole lot of this topic in the first I kind of fell in love with post divorce. On the one hand, I kind of put her on a pedestal and as she was the first kind of true interest, I was worried I might end up with her for those precisous single years before I am bald and old and used up. From her side, I had to read through the lines, but basically freind zoning every meet was a bit over the top and showed an insecurity. Indirectly she probed to see if I was interested in a one night stand, ina round the houses third person way. I actually didnt want to because she lives near me, i see her quite often and also a quicky might destroy a good friendship with potential to go somewhere.

Also between the lines, it became apparent that she had affairs with married men and liked the disposability. Also a summer rommance with an American visitor, cutting him off completely upon his departure, poor sod more than a little loved up with her. So she was avoiding nice boy syndroime. She didnt want a relationship.

Eventually it al became a mess, because the attractioin we had for each other was massive and I never did do the manly thing and make the move. I felt it wasnt right each time we met, and that her body language was too neutral ( later I find that this is just a national trait, and you need to push your luck a lot and take the initiative, despite it being a supposedly liberated land for women) . I fucked up over an anonymous valentines day card and it became a messy thing which she pushed me out of.

I remember then nice girl syndrom from when I was young. Fiona at Uni, and my mates Ex, Sharon. Both wonderful. Both, well, too good for me I felt, or was it more that I would have to honour and obey them for ever and I didnt want to risk a relationship before I was old enough to want to settle down-??

I remember one very pretty, typical my type, petite brunette. We had an attraction and finally hooked up for a drink at a concert on Level 8 , Strathclyde Uni. She was a bit neurotic. She then went off there and then with the drummer from the band and even told me.....It was a bit weird, it wasnt happening for me. She got both a better quality mate and a qucik disposable night of sex.

Women want it too, maybe it is more cultural than in built moral. I had one of those matey aquaintances in the 80s, you know, you met them on the indy circuit. His name was Geoff, and him and Dean were inseperable Indie music hang outers. Dean was small and squat. Geoff looked like a young Clint Eastwoord. But he was shy and into music. Women threw themselves at him. He was invited to parties, women kisse him out the blue....it seems then that the naughty swan thign is there. Swans pair for life., Only goslings quite often have a different paternal DNA!

What I have learnt in the modern times, is that  ' I'm not very good at realtionships' or any discussion about loose moral , short term relations, is a come on for a one night stand or a friends with benefits relatuionship. Perhaps this is a middle age thing, where the womean is more honest and wants to lay down some rules that this will not be an all consuming love nor will there actually be any committment.

i dont want to eat the peach I want it for later, and if I take a quick bite, the whole thing will be rotten.

Love, Consumable, To Be Avoided?

On the one hand we seem to have easier access to meeting single, lonely, seeking people like our presumed selves , while on the other we maybe are far more selective in whom we commit to?

Do we fall in Love more easily or do we accept a half ersatz love mediated via the internet, but which ignores some of the other aspects of relationships such as solidity, co dependence, security ?

Has Love become a consumable ? Dispose after use or when a newer product becomes available?

Well everything is self centric tinged. But I do share a common set of experiences with people at the other end of the dating and love game: post divorce from a long term relationship is very much like being in tha 17 - 21 bracket  when it comes to dating, or maybe a little older when it comes to Love and committment. As a friend said to me, all the nerves and uncertainties are there, like you were 17 again.


On the flip side of this is Nice Girl Syndrome. Next blog.

We can then pick each other up, and pre screen for some compatibilities....mutual level of attraciveness if not attraction itself, which is a person to person thing really. We can check we have enough in common to at least enjoy dating - avoding those girls who want to be wined and dined for example, no such thing as a free lunch girls. Avoiding the oldest swinger in town. Safe but not so safe you will settle down.

Then there is the opportunity for two timing in reality post match, or just by matching which is unfaithfulness in itself. It is going to the Friday night disco when you have a dinner date with your safe shag on Saturday. "Going out wi yer guuurl friend, that's for poofs like' as one Geordie reveller put it.

It is cetainly easier then to allow those little irritations about your new chosen squeeze to make you turn to see what other fish are in the pond. Also if there are incompatibilies of distance, or actual common interests in quality time together outside coffee and dinner dates and the eventual bedroom

On that topic there is then the thorny issue of compatibility in the sack. Over 40 that comes to physical size match, yes that is important and then preferences. Many married couples have spiced up their sex lives with games, toys, going up the the wrong un' and even threesomes. Where as many couples have split up because one partner is too sexually conservative or has in fact issues in fulfilling the other. So that becomes a clash point in a new relationship. The man wants porno sex, the woman wants to have a more affectionate type of thing than with her ex. That is a typical issue for divorcees I read. 

If then you reach the compatibilities threshold, the point at which you really do wonder if you are compatible, then you have an easier way out than before the internet. Before the internet you had all the trouble of actually bumping into someone who was single and you fancied. Yeah, you could get a quicky out with the lads or lassies, subject og next blog. But  building up a rapport and getting to know each other, and getting them on the hook of love....all conspired to make you stick with your current unless somethign much better fell on your lap, usually at work or in your existing social network, which was problematic,.,then again you had the benefit of face to face attraction, lust and falling in love the old fashioned way.

The old fashioned way then? Was it not just this very issue of restrictions, that we WOULD have fallen in L.O.V.E. more often if only we had met more of our types. Is life time monogamy still a social construct, shaped by culture and role modesl,  or is there some biological and psychological underpinning which modern culture over rides with temptations?

I am a firm believer in and practice serial monogamy, and the odd one night stand between squeezes. But that does not answer the question. Have I just not met someone super compatible or is that an impossibility and modern stresses of economics and lifestyles mean that it is very , very difficult ?

Well the answer to that lies in statistics and in fact, most children live in households here at least, with two parents cohabiting or married. The level of single parents has stabilised after its growth period from the 70s to the 90s. It is less than a third. New partner cohabitation and step parents were not accounted for, but you get the drift.  A higher proportion of divorces are perhaps quicky , pre children , get out of jail free divorces.

But why then this possibility for flicking love from one partner to another , facilitated more quickly by the internet, but always having been latent?

Well it is the two great drivers ...men want sexual variety , yes secuirty too, but sexual variety is a major driver. Women want the best mate possible. So when randy boy meets girl who wants to do better......hey presto. Partners aside, they give each others the singals of a successful mating.

The result of this, is, as with my pal Heidi, that girl often meets married, opportunistic man. Upon enjoying it, they either back off quickly home to wifey and two point four, or they play along new partner with promises of leaving and declation of love and how much better it is than her back home. They dont tend to leave because of the need for security and the shame in front of the kids and grand parents!

Tinder and its ilk, just facilitate this a little quicker and over a wider geographic area.  It could be said that tinder also facilitates more successful, longer term matches and hooks up those, Like Heidi, who otherwise meet innappropriate types socially. She refuses to have anything to do with datring apps. Post divorce then Tinder is probably making more successful relationships beacuse it generates more over all. It permits otherwise painfully shy people to get to know others too at all ages.

The Dark Depths of Freddicus Rex

Yes Freddie, the darkest secrets , the deepest chasms of woe and cynicism.

Damp Freddie, my alter ego, a made up persona with whom I can play Devil's Advocate, or express the most cynical opinions , or the most visionary ideologies without fear of personal ridicule. Furthermore being able to blame innaccuracies, falsehoods, respun spin, outright mistakes, hasty conculsions and broad, sweeping statements on a nut called Damp Freddie.

Is he not then more my Ego on the Alter?  A scarifice of philosophical and political ambitions and ideals on the cold alter of an increasingly powerful capitalism which will inevitably consume the world's resources and enslave much of its workforce.

There I go again, or rather King Frederick the Last rants again.

Why do we blogg using an avatar, a facsimilie?  Many of us do it, so we can be contentious and radical and as I state, avoid ridicule, and personal attack on line .....or even off line, in the real world where violence and vandalism begin to plague Little England as it seeks to oust Europeanness from Blighty.

There, you see , I can't help it. Having a dig at the oposition, making it clear I am a radical internationalist. Workers of the World unite, you have only your anonymous blogs to loose.


Since the Luddites and then the anti Fordians, who said the production line would destroy labour,  then the emergence of the concept at least of the Robot in the 50s and 60s, neigh sayers have always been saying that we will either be befreed from menial tasks, quiote Jimmy Reid acceptance speech as he became rector of Univ of Glasgow, or it will render people who do not own capital assets, into homeless, penniless vagrants living by scavanging.

The truth is quickly becoming nearer the second than the first in the new world, and those machines need materials which are increasingly (or more transparently) being produced by slave labour in countries like Angola, or India, or in fact China, the great red hope for business growth in the west, which is a poisoned chalice of never ending negative balance of trade for the old west.

In the other vision Will we all be bloggers, informing each other and sharing knowledge? All philosophers trying to find a solution to the human condition whcih can be rolled out across the world as robots and algortyms do all the stuff of manufacturing and services ?

The Neo Liberal call for more freedom for business and capital is driving us towards a partially anarchic oligicarchy, it is taking us back to the past, not the future. A time when national governments were the extension of corporate power, or in the hands of dictators who accumulated wealth and power with the support of the elite rich. Laisez faire has its history, with the crash of 1927 being echoed in 2008. Too much freedom, leading to enslavement and empoverishment  of many people who were on the breadline already back then, and many who came to join it. The bail outs came, but rather than a New Deal for the people in terms of employment, it was an Old Deal, that capital assets retained their value and were fed by peopleæs basic needs for shelter, food and water.


What hope any alternative, when Capital will cheat and lie and go for the basal use of nationalism and racism in order to cling to democratic power and justify their onbsession with trickle up, that capitalism is the accumulation of wealth by the entitled few by the exploitation of the many, and the collaboration of the better salaried, educated classes.   Alternatives there are though, We already see virtual communism in some supply chains, where some medicines and metallic raw materials are subject to a virtual Chinese monopoly . The internet and cloud computing enables in fact supply chains which are bereft of human input, and here lies a hope for all those old communist and Star Trek futurists amongst you,

The furture will be different. The greedy baby boomers and their super wealthy masters are going to dies soon, but even before that there may be a senility set into their entires system because of the way it neglects the distribution of wealth through work for those who are young, or not on the gravy train already by virtue of age, family or exceedingly good education and luck.

Supply and demand will be catered for differently in future because of the way capital works. It is based on linear economics and simple principles of adding value from raw materials, increasingly in slavery conditions. things will be run differently in the future once the computers take over and solve supply chain issues so we all get a unisex, beige blandness like so many sci fi utopias of the 60s and 70s.

Will human nature, change at all?  Are we based on competition or cooperation?

Freddie Retires from his sabre rattling for a good night's sleep.

The Trouble With Social Democracy.....

Yes yes, the trouble with social democracy. In fact there is no trouble with social democracy. The aims are to develop a society where merit triumphs over entrenched priviledge, where work is rewarded with fair pay and the objectives of society are defined by non monetary values. All that is laudible, The problem is two fold, firstly what post war, keynsian social democracy created, and secondly what we wil discuss here, The curse of social democracy. The problem is social democrats.

Or social democratic parties. By essence they are driven by comprimise, by not repeating mistakes of leninist socialism, and by keeping capital happy. As politicians they adore compromise and avoid risk., The whole climate change politic is flawed, not the science, because Social Democrats are scared they might risk something far bigger in future for their parties' if they dont do anything.

Social democrats seek to appease capitalism as part of their compromising faith. In part that is because of one of the failings of post war social democratic policy and the imbalance in power trade unions managed to exert in western economies. Inflation, or rather currency devaluation due to too high a supply of monies paid in wages. The 'new deal' on the whole as a movement across the last world war and over into the sixties, in the western economies and Japan, spurned inflation due to consumption outstripping supply and wages creating personal surpluses which meant family spending, the big one in the economy, was not subject to penny pinching. We spent the pounds and dollars and let the pennies look after themselves.

Big capital it is proposed, had already decided that wage pressure, collectivist union power and therefore manufacturing were erroding their ability to extract profit and capital value from the national economies. Also they had decided to globalise themselves, by family and corporate dynasties. The greater national good and paternal capitalism were dead. They lived in tax havens and spent their monies in the jet set resorts and big cities.  Nationalism was something to be avoided because of course, Hitler had dispossessed the wealthy Jewish elite via the ballot box first, then by a corporate take over  of an entire nation and continent.  Internationalism, trading blocks and globalisation became a mantra, which has only recently been turned upon by a minority in the rich elite who now back nasty-nationalism, given form in Trump and Brexit. The two countries who followed Neo Liberaism   the most aka post social democractic policy,  ended up with politicians utilising the rhetoric of Hitler and other nationalist fascists to avoid the blame being laid upon the door of the wealthy.

Social democrats are then far too into comprimise. We can understand that capitalism is a force which is a little like reverse gravity, it means trickle up, accumulation of wealth via speculation. There is no investment without risk. Social democrats have aimed to appease capitalism instead of harnessing it in reining it in. Appeasement means allowing Capital to do what it wants to do essentially, and dressing it up for the population in some terms that seem progressive and sensible. Capitalism will happen the same as river beds will errode the earth and create valleys. It is a process which is not inevitable in human nature, but rather that there are large elements of human nature which facilitate its' processes,.

What people in many western economies have to understand is the nature of modern capitalism is rentier on a national basis. Globally it still invests in value multiplication and the free maker of manufacturing, but only in the People's republic of China, a socialist one party state. Rentier capitalism lives very nicely indeed on our own existences, and it does not need to care about value multiplicatioon in the west any more, if there is more money to be made at a lower risk from housing,  food, health, transport and education. When you consider the 'modern technological based manufacturing base' excluding car manufacturing, then we see that in many western countries it is closely tied to government spending such as on health via national health insurance in many countries, and the quasi national insurance Medicare in the USA: Capital likes living off our backs, especially if it can control some simple parameters via government polocy and in other areas, use complex paramaters such that governments buy value added goods and services from them, and lay down any public provision as competition to that " competition" .

Of course compulsive  competitive  tendering has arrested inflation in some key areas of public provision. However many privatised utilities have been able to extract above consumer price index price rises by virtue of price parity, virtual /practical monopolies and obfuscation of pricing and costs over time to the consumer. In some cases the game is very much revealed such as with the railways un the UK, where both passenger faires have increased way above headline inflation for many years,
while subsidies too have increased rather than decreased. Competitive tendering for virtual monopolistic contracts is in reality, legalised corruption with the best legal team winning any inconvenient challenges to the proposition.


Once we understand more of the nature of the beast of Capitalism, we can start to harness it and lead it into areas which benefit society, We can move to a more symbiotice relationship beofre, at some point it becomes inevitably that the resources of the finite planet be divided out to the benefit of more humans. The social democrats have unfortunetly taken the view that capitalism should have more freedom and given that freedom society can reap rewards via taxation and growth in income outstripping inflation. The reverse has been true. Inflation now is hidden in areas which benefit capital. Property and consumer debt. The money supply is far greater here than any exchequor would be allowed and of course the entire credit system was over stretched to the point of it crashing in autumn 2008. Wage deflation has been the key tool in keeping currency deflation at bay.

The point here in taking this all into the melthing pot, is that rentier economies evenutally price everyone but the richest out of the market-of-living,. We start to go into debt just to survive with a roof over our heads. Forget people living on welfare long term, we are talking about working.poverty in full time employment, where monthly ends just do not meet without credit debt. The natural end point of government for capitalsim, by capitalism is slavery for a large minority of society,. As long as most of the people can be kept happy most of the time.....if not, then play the Hitler card, Nasty foriegners, The enemy within, The white worker the victim of the pressure of immigrants and racial or religious minorities. Brexit, Trump.

Social democrats dare not tackle the rentier issues. They are risk aversive. The bold, modernist risk taking of the new deal era, are replaced by moderation and out right mediocrity. Furthermore they created a privelegde "generation class", the baby boomers who enjoyed the benefits of cheap or free education, jobs a plenty, shorter career routes from lower qualifaction-bases, job security and promotion prospects. They are the bastard child that the Keynsianists didnt predict. An ungrateful, selfish brat who lived off double digit growth and high public spending, only to shun this when it was them paying the lion's share of the tax bill, and eat up neo liberalism in a time when wages were starting to slow down in growth for them.

Omce we realise the rentier nature of modern capital in the west as a whole, and this generation issue, metastatic - standing upon, suppressing - the needs of societies today, we can start to realise the need for a re-evaluation of the relationship between democratic governance and the forces and mechanisms of capitalism. We can start to say, no you do not have the right ot make me poor or deny me having as good a material wealth as you just because you own the means of supply to the necessities of living. In one scentence, we cannot go on with a generation and a class of "buy-to.rents" dominating society and government policy. We need a fairer society, We need a better referee.

In future, distribution of goods and services will be done differently. The world has a 'set point' in terms of agricultural proidcution and natural resources, where the demands of a population of ten billion plus outstrip supply, and  beyond which a linear economy will self destruct into terminal inflation. For now appeasing capital and hoping for the best beyind re-election is the main issue with the Social Democratic Movement.

Woman Whispering - You have Much to Learn, Young Magwi

I have come to the conclusion that I am , still am, and have been a natural woman whisperer.

At least when I'm not thinking about woman whispering!

That is to say, it is a little kind of random in outset, that I can just walk into a club and pull at the cash desk, or get dating with a lovely single lady who walked her dog past my house for two years.

When I look into, I can share some secrets from many years of scientific observation, an empirical study of what happens for you to progress experimentally

What are my key tips in getting a new girl then, dear Alpha Male?


1: Don't go out to look for a girl

This was a very key observation and colours the next two points below too.

Most of my pulls have been when I have otherwise been out socialising without intent..... or just hanging out doing something, like fixing my garage or walking the dog.  Oh yes, single mums love the latter two believe me!

Going out with the one intention of pulling is stressful and actually counter productive. Bar Flies and dance floor domingos may look like they are getting the girls, but they are getting attention which is passing, and will end up with some desperate girl...who would rather have you actually.

Further to this going in blind and without intent.......If you thought that men have a lead role as the hunter, and the women were the prey, then you my friend are deluded. Women are the hunters. They will sneek around scanning the bar for 'talent' and read those signals of social prowess and self confidence subconsiolsy, deciding whether or not to persue. There after though, it is true to say, the hunter becomes the prey., You have to go in for the kill, it is the man thing now that she has cornered you LOL !!

Women can reek that a man has a single intention for the evening, and a great many attractive, self respecting girls ( your target group, maybe a unicorn in there) will run a mile, especially when there is a whole troop of would be sex monkeys leering and josseling after them.

I have very often pulled when I least expected to pull, and that is because the girls could read I was relaxed and self confident in my own wee world with my mates.

GIRLS CHOOSE YOU, and in a club, party or bar they often choose you loooong before you choose them, them believe me. While your eye contact is with your pals, and you are exchaning signs of belonging and social adeptness, she is looking over at you, only to dart her glance and neutralise her body language as you look towards her.

Or out in the neighbourhood, Girls are in fact awful stalkers!!  They will change routines to see you, learn what you are up to, who you as a whole are. To a girl, your sociability, lifestyle and standing in society is equally important as your looks, and if you are not a looker or  a bit soft round the edges, then much more so than looks. They become quite intrugued in the course of a party, or when living just near enough to you so as to not be obvious.

So go out to celebrate. Go out to have fun. Say hello by all means to girls you see walking past as you fix your car, or walk your dog, or go jogging at 6am....

Dont go to parties to pull, go rather to hang out. More on how to do that below. But this all sends those signals out that you are a social, well integrated animal and not some reclusive sex fiend.

Further to this, dont dress up in anything you dont feel 100% comfortable in! Some guys do feel great in expensive, finely tailored and presented suits. Me? Well maybe at a wedding, but hell no, I pulled the best looking girl in my life and some others too, when I hadnt showered and was in jeans and mucky t shirt. In fact my most recent little nip, with a really pretty lass, I went out in very drab clothes in fact.

Go with only a notion in the back of your mind that  you CAN pull generally speaking, if you get some luck.

...a little crudeness , a tip. Get used to not ahem, shaking hands with the devil for 36 hours before you have social activities at the weekend. This will help you communicate without knowing anything about it, because your pheromones will be do lally when they meet someone you find attractive and waft over to her. Pheromones have a lot to say, which is why the personal zone and the intimate zone are crucial for the mating process, such that our pheromones can mingle and give us that odd little bit of confidence to chat each other up,find comonalities, joke, then  touch, kiss..........

2. DONT HAVE A WING MAN !

As a young man I used to want to have a wing man all the time. Maybe a married gur, or more confident buddy who would support me in my approaches, who would look for positive signs around the place , and who may even wing a couple into conversation.

BAD idea. The wing man is a little red flashing light of the above, that you are on the pull. That you are maybe a bit socially awkward and lack confidence. Or that you are a predatory double act if you are both quite outgoing and superficially confident

Wing men have an uncanny habit of becoming lead fighter pilot. This is because they instantly diffuse their own situation and approach, by doing it on behalf of a pal, and for those girls with some self respect, they quite probably dont like a guy who wont dare himself. A few might, but you know why nerds are single? Because they never dare and they secrete I am a coward from their pores.

3. BE THE WORLDS BEST WING MAN

Yes, of course, you have a poor unssuspecting single pal, who is either as above, shy and awkward, or is licking the wounds of splitting up. you go out on the auspices that you are going to wing him in a new girl.

Been there and often girls will ask, is he too shy? Then you can actually paint him as you like, be a little naughty if he is just a colleage and not an old pal. They will assume for a while that you are confident and hooked up, but if they ask if you are single, then you are in! Then you can say, yeah, but not in the market right now, and I wanna help my buiddy out.  Then you are playing the game, a little hard to get!

4. Go out ALONE

Yes, yes, go out to a party alone, Go to your pub alone. Populate a local cafe which gets girls in, on your todd.

People are a very sociable type of mammal. They like to include they like to help. When confronted with a whole pack of wolves, they will form a circle and go all defensive. But when they see a lone wolf, there at the bar or with the first complimentary fizzy Prosecco in hand, they will take note of them.

The trick with going alone, is to be patient and relaxed. Make like you are just taking a chilled drink or maybe waiting for someone. That someone is a long lost cousin bro, male or female, doesnt matter if its in a social setting with plenty of people about and a few target girls.

Dont be glued to your phone and wait to be spoken to by bar staff, dont seek their attention other than using a small smile.

One tactic I use by kind of default if not pure accident, is to sit at a far bigger table or stall than you need, or in the middle of the bar. Thus as the bar / club / cafe or Caberet fills up, someone is bound to have to ask if the seats are taken.

Here you have to people whisper a bit. Let them come to you, Use a short smile and brief polite eye contact. Let them do the talking.

Soon as the evening developes you will have a whole new social life! Believe me. Most people are kind, nice, interesting and fair. Otherwise this capitalist western society would fall flat on its face with us being parasitic on each other. The worst that can happen is that they take over and as you to maybe move on, but hey, use that as a chance to raise your voice show you are insulted and that they are rude, then you might get further included in the wider group.

Lo and behold, in the course of the night, women will have been stalking you, sorry gathering intelligence on you, from the visual and social cues you are sending out.  You are now engaged in conversation and confident. You look, like you belong socially, or can fit in quickly with people. The girl need not be in that group, but she will often be joingin them, and say, wow, who is this new, hot integrated male here?

If the people are not your type who as to sit there, then say, oh, two of these are taken, but the third isnt for example if you dare. Avoid being the last chair at the table, very sad, or being squeezed into the corner of the bar all alone and cut off by a wall of backs.

Other corners though, of a social kind, are good,. Putting yourself at the outskirts of a group makes you integratedl, but available, and physically easier to walk around to.

While in the group, make a point of talking to some women, more on the talking part soon. Just a little social contact, enough to be polite, doesnt matter if they're married or with their men., If they are out then make a point , rapidly, of being introduced to their BF !! Avoid a fist fight early rather than later!!

5. Find a WING WOMAN !

Now a wing woman or a mother hen, or a female buddy to go on the pull with is a great, if often rare thing.

Usually it is rare because no one thought of doing it overtly. It just happens that you end up with a female friend, and it just so happened that she got talking or you  got talking to people around . BE OVERT!

If you are not a complete geek , nerd, anorak, then you proibably have a couple of female pals or colleagues or even relatives you can play this game with, and they most likely have never thought about going out "cold calling" with you. Rather they may have suggested match making, and that IMHO is a fucking awful way to go, which is so cringe worthy. That a third party thinks you will be suited is justan insult to many, and we come back to that lack of social adeptness and confidence again.

Go out to familiar places, or parties, where they will be new people or people at least only vaguely known. And just hang out!  Look for those girls scanning you surriptisoulsy. Say hello with your eyes!


Whats in it for her? Well just as women are scanning the bar for potential signs a man is mateable, men will be looking at womens behaviour, and being more overtly competitive than girls, will possibly try to tease a boy friend or test his mettal if they see the girl isnt interested. They will tell you are not that intimate, and move in on her. Win win if she doesnt leave you with the lonely walk home!

7. Use body language and facial expression over chat up lines

Chat up lines actually only work because they are ironic, or because the rest of the body language makes them irrelevant.

The best material to learn about body language and facial expression is none other than Charlie Chaplin in his silent years. He clowns a lot, but he was a master at body language acting in the days before the 'talkies' . Buster Keaton is a kind of antidote , dead pan as he was , but with some very funny

Body language starts with stance, how you stand , where you stand, where you sit how you sit, how your limbs are arranged, how your posture is open and relaxed, chin up.

Here we come to positioning yourself socially. Either in a group as above, or still alone 'waiting' for someone.  This is the invitation to the huntress, she will start to signal that she wants to come in for the kill.

As with scanning above, she will likely look at you sideways, glancing over when she sees that you are in eye contact with other people. Hold your ground, and make sure there is room for her to come and get you.

Then use your open body language and eye contact. It can be a surprised, I cauight you looking at me, and a flash of the eyes, roger moore style, demure then , smile and look away only to look back to see if you still have her interest. It can be a brief smile, as if involuntary, followed by offering someone next to you a drink in order to break out of a tight bunch of people. Does her gaze follow you to the bar? Does she follow you to the bar? When you get back, has she moved in to your kill zone, ie where you left?

If none of the above happen and she starts to use rejection signals, or hard to get signals, then leave her alone. She may be married or just out to tease you, while not really thinking you are up there as a contender for her. That is what teases do, they choose men they wouldnt want to be with anyway, to tickle and lead on. More on teases soon....

8. Read her signs as she comes into the intimate zone.

There are about ten signs, but instead of trying to make intelligent, stimulating sounds with your mouth, look her in the eye and smile a lot, and ask open questions.

At this point you may have established the Nirvanna of pulling a new girl: dilated pupils and bodily contact. Then she is already yours if you just go with the flow and play cool, polite, playful and sincere.

If not she may hold to the outer zone. This is three to four feet. At this point, "chase after me little boy" is a clear sign of either nerves and excitement, or that she is out to tease and nothing more. Be aware of this and smile a little laughing smile, and go back to talking to someone else. Dont go to the bar at this point, unless maybe it looks like she is lingering and looking at what you are doing, If here nose is in the air and she is off as far from you as physically posiible, or locking herself into a social circle a little further away, then drop her. If she follows you to the bar, introduce yourself and make her the centre of attention, not buying a drink. Offer a drink after you establish positive social contact.

One thing I'd avoid is shaking hands with women, It kind of earths the electricity of first contact, neutralising what should be a special moment, It renders an exciting meeting of souls to a business transaction. If offered a hand, dont reject it, but use move yourself closer into her zone and see how she reacts, while asking her name. But dont offer a hand. If she holds your hand a little too long, then like those dilated pupils , you are in there hook, line and sinker.


There are lots of youtube and other blogs about positive body language and how it tends to escalate with interest and as the Prosecco sinks down. So look there, but be aware that in these situations it is overwhelmingly true that body language and to some extent tone of voice, is 90% of communication that counts, and content of what you say is so very unimportant really. No need for chat up lines....

But as above on ahem, avoiding releiveing your sexual self for 36 hours before, going with your gut instinct means actually going with what your pheromonal receptors say. They are on your lips and in your nose. They illicit a stronger emotional response in women, and if you have avoided the devils handshake, a strong sexual drive in men.

Pheromones only work at a short range and in conjuction with eye contact. You may be in a bar and find that you feel a little aroused due to there being lots in the air in general, but they are produced only when contact is made between two people! They are nature's little tricksters, over coming the otherwise high thresholds to what we think we might want or not want.....

This is one reason internet dating, chat and face time often fails, because pheromonal interaction should be established early in a relationship, at its inception. It is all a very non cerebral process!

9. We Need to Talk

Women by in large like to talk more than men, and especially about themselves and their friends and circumstances. You just need to ask a few open questions to get the ball rolling after the first contact is made.

10. Shy versus Rejection

My greatest regret is not understanding SHY when I was a young man. I have missed out on my biggest chances for a beautiful, intelligent doctor and probably lots of others, and yet today, it still tripped me up recently.

Shy means afraid of rejection, you are too nervous to make first social contact. However shy does not mean anti social! Shy just means they have a high threshold for social interaction with new people.

Now the trounble is tthat SHY looks and smells pretty much like REJECTING behaviours.

The difference is that shy is a threshold to overcome, while rejection cannot be overcome. Shy is often someone desperate for positive social contact, only too afraid that it will be negative to actually initiate it. Help is at hand, because often shy reveals nervousness, while rejection reveals coolness. Rejection will show itself when your advances, subtle as they may be, are met with crossed arms, that rejecting look away mouth open sigh thing girls do, or plain get up and walk off. Shy on the other hand, will be delighted you have established a positive social contact, and will quite quickly move into your intimate zone if she fancies you and feels safe with you.

Shy is often a sign of high nevroticism - worrying about themselves and their place in the social animal world. It also follows then, that most stages of becoming intimate are going to have thresholds. This is something I fail to realise,.

So getting a one to one date, will have a threshold. Getting a kiss, will have a threshiold. Getting any form of committment to being in a GF BF relationship may take a while. Shy puts nervous self defences out when you do start to get intimiate, but all the time they want YOU to overomce THEIR threshold. Recently I got friend zoned because of this, and really I should have just driven over it and kissed her!

 Being Neurotic is actually not a bad thing, despite being painted negatively. It means you are cautious, consider options, protect yourself and most of all, it means then that when a girl does go for a guy, it is quite likely to last! She may be a catch who doesnt want to let you go!

Rejection is tough to take, and the odd ego woman enjoying it makes it worse, but by in large a polite approach with positive body language will result in social contact and a conversation. Some girls will use their natural pathway to tease, while others will get close to you, decide your eyes are not the right colour, and back away. Rejection is something to get used to, to accept as an occupational hazard, but if you follow the above and let them show they are interested and come a little to you, then rejection for at least getting to know them a little will be far less. Let biology do the rest thereafter!!


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I'm going to leave you on shy there, because well, if you are single, then it is quite likely you are a little shy. Shy usually mannifests itself in not knowing what to say to break the ice., not in the bigger picture of body language.