The new fangled electric internet is a wonderful place to make new friends, stay in touch with old, find common interests, see your niece grow up from afar.......and to feel very isolated and ignored by those who used to mean most to you.
It's a common thing and I see it most by tracking some of my new Cyberfriends out there in internet land. We are actually the generation whcih grew up with the proto-cyber world, when green screen rumblings and phone phreaking evolved into Usenet and the news groups, and sending each other micro blogs in e/post. In fact my first encounter with social isolation if you like was via that. I used to send out what today would be called a micro blog, a post, a chat hook - when I first got a personal e-mail account in 1996. I sent maybe two a month out to a very few people who had e-mail and whom I had spent my best formative years in Glasgow's West End in the late 80s with. Then one chap just came out and said it " Stop Sending Me Bollocks, mate".
It gave me a bitter feeling becasue this was in the days prior to any real spam and inbox overload. I felt socially reprimanded, as if I had walked up to a group of mates in a pub and been told to piss off. The chap who said it though was forthright as a type, and had become a busy B2B public relations consultant in the big smoke, Londinium, where e-mail was becoming the new jungle drums of trendier businesses. It did make me question my relationship to him, and basically he held some kind of grudges for reasons I am only guessing at, so that is enough for now. Suffice to say I have only spoken to him once, and he refuses to face-me , FB that is , ignores my two friends-requests over the last decade of otherwise happy face-ing.
It was a forerunner of what happens now. Being 'sent to coventry' is nothing new on the internet. A green screen predecessor of the world wide web, and the first truly networked game was ' MUD ' - multi user dungeon, as in that which went with Dragons as a social fantasy game which was rampant in the 70s and early 80s. In Mud the creators allowed those who completed the crusade to the finish of the game, to become super users and moderators, and they had the power of the Gods over the cyber personas who played there. The could F.O.D. - the finger of death, which would delete a user. Back then they probably had every user's IP address so it was goodbye and good luck from logging in again if you didn't use another computer. People were thrown out for different reasons, but a major area was being abusive and swearing, which both the 'wizards' could see anywhere and other players could see in the interactive 'rooms' or 'plays' under way.
For my generation people use mostly FB, and hence the younger generation under 25 have packed up their social bags with FB such that parents and older colleagues need not see their 'private' lives, which are only to be shared with a large extended network of SnapChatters or prospective play mates on TInder and the other dating apps. So the over 30s are left on FB as the main users as a social communication network, and it will no doubt age and become senile with them. This means though that we are the most exposed to FB's little systematic quirks and the unspoken etiquette.
We are all 'unfollowing' our friends who are most active on FB. Also there is a little etiquette on FB Messenger, the app' which hijacked Microsofts good work. It used to be called 'ignore' but that was a little too aggressive a language, so FB changed it to unfollow, or you could when I last looked get 'important' posts. I started doing it almost immediately I got an account exactly a decade ago in 2007. I also blocked a couple of rude lunatics and one woman who had talked behind my back in the land of pressing the flesh sociality. As soon as we found each other, we blocked each other in fact. We tend otherwise these days to unfollow people who post too much, or whom we dont really know and wouldnt have a pint with basically. However we live in a glass house.
I first noticed it with a relative who is a house mother with a bit too much time on her hands. When FB had that other people's Likes madness when you got a mass of all and sundry your mates liked, she was all to clearly sitting for a good few hours a day facing. Also there were inspirational life quotesd and diverse 'memes' Even though I shouuldnt have, I put her on ignore, feeling guilty, but she was the main participant on my FB newsfeed, as if she was postering her personal mores over the windows of my house and I could no longer see anything else. When her youngest daughter had a birthday, only four people of the many hundreds of 'Friends' she had on FB sent congratulations, and me and other family seemed to only do so later on in the day when we had remembered to catch up on the cards we had sent by snail. I felt sorry for her, but it was of her own design. FB also felt sorry for her type it seems, and adjusted algorythms to present at least kids birthdays and so on, to a wider audience.
I am a middle high user of FB, but my online pattern has changed thoroughly to most posting and expression of political opinion being in like minded groups, and my hobbies being mostly posted and others followed through such groups. I did this from a burning desire to have an interactive relationship with FB. So this was a result of the fact being that my oldest friends had obviously put me on full ignore and werent liking any of my posts. I was kind of late to that etiquette, but just revenged them all by not following them either, and to be frank the frequent post-ers had pretty innane, irritating and often flagrantly boast posts. Holidays, kids doing something funny, cat or dog doing something funnier, someone left litter outside their house, what did everyone think of the terrrible pot holes in the road outside the nursery school?
After a short time of this going on, a kind of truce was called and a new internet protocol for our loosely connected group of 'year of 86ers' was quickly pasted together on FB messenger. Some of the closest friends had probably started it, but anyway I was invited to our 'reprobates and n'eer do well' club, whose main intention was to have a renunion. At said renunion, a truly wonderful time was had, some bitter sweetness too as we were well into middle age. We even had an FB event page which we could post before, during and after pictures to. Middle age upon us, responsibilities etc, some folk were more tired than others and had to retire earlier to respective sprogs or olds in our home town next day, On the night itself, we had a long afternoon of bevvying as we call boozing in the wild west, followed by a dinner at whcih bless him, the oldest of our crew fell asleep at the table. It all went too quickly, and we would have been far better off doing one of those remote cottage things, where of course someone always has a near nervous break down over their mid life crisis and everyone rallies round, and then wonders what the hell to do with them after the initial cuddles and kind words are over. That would have been better, because frankly for most of us 15 years of time was to be caught up on, and for some 29 years had elapsed since we last spoke ie 1986!
That is a bit of an aside, but such a reunion would probably have been cobbled together anyway by telefone and post card without the use of internet. The point was the aftermath. One of us, who had some sob stories and in fact, never really got himself out of a hole of a dead end job he dug himself into in 1990, decided to have quite little to do with us as a mass after that, but because of that very fact I have to say, he is being forced to be individually sociable with his nearest old boys. (We are very geographically spread, no one within 2 hours of our Alma Mater) Anyway he ignores the Messenger cackle by in large. Now I tried to find some interactive entertainment, realising that all these folk have kids and are in the same boat as me, only more tired on Fridays than my youthful spritelyness and shorter worker hours (hee hee) permit me. And I fell flat on my cybersocial face.
There is then an overall FB etiquette of brevity. Those who are most selective, get most likes. In profile they are most often successful and they post nice things about their family and most of all about their exotic holidays or work related projects. Some of the more lifestyle entrepreneurs seem to use FB as a kind of PR campaign to build a personal brand, copying the style of 'celebrity' pages. I think some peoplke though who are successful and sociable dont NEED social media to be ahem any more extravert and involved in society. Modern life and emmigration have made me an FB junky though. This etiquette of being short, to the point, positive and sharing only life's best orgasmic happenings or sweetest kiddie pic's.
The same extends to messenger,. only there you are communicating minutia and meeting for a pint type stuff, or sharing the odd meme. It is abouut short communications, because most people use their phones and most people are too busy to read even one wrapped scentence which breaks a single line on screen. It is a series of abbreviated spasms we communicate in. I have never learned this etiquette, being used to longer converse, in fact being quite 'long winded'.
On FB very many have me on ignore, but FB have a cunning plan. They post other wise unfollowed content onto the newsfeed of friends when the content has important key words, and people have started liking or reacting to the post, and replying with some important triggering key words. I did this, on a life issue of throwing in the towel with my wife and job situation, and after months of feeling isolated I suddenly felt a little too much that I had let myself be caught up in my own gold fish bowl. People even translated the post, which was a kind of cry for help in terms of getting a new job and a place to perhaps ease a trial separation. I started to feel that both FBs algortyhms and half my FB friends list were lurking me and now patronising me. The rub came when people came up to me in the street and talked to me about it, having not reacted on social media, but having read it.
Anyway that was kind of an example of both how to do it on FB when you know you are being ignored, post less often but post more 'important' keywords, and what not to do, be a little too personal expose. In truth I am unfulfilled by my relationship with FB, because it seems I give it a lot of time and I get little of substance back. Hobby wise, politically, on the local historic pages, we are all patting each other on the back and being nicey nice. I have tried some serious cyberpub conversations over politics or sport, in posts or via messenger or even e/mail, but I find the same as I did at Uni - I get in touch with 'liberal believers' or 'conservaitve rationalisers' who are not actually very open minded. I have found that dipole of the internet - there are few floating voters or radical thinkers in these groupings, they are self perpetuating opposites. The left and the right. The established and the new. The etheral crystal tree hugger and trhe v8 chevvy driver. The accomplished sportsman and the novice. The 'published' photographer with the 10 grand gear, and the cheap skate with a super zoom going birding. I could elaborate, there seems to be little space for a communist-free-market-existentialist-dabbler like me.
Building up new cyberpals then to replace or supplement your real friends who have you on ignore, is no subsitute in fact. It is a shallow distraction. If you could of course meet up with them, then fine. THen you could make a bond, have a new 'bromance' with a like minded fellow, or one of those oh-so-knowing middle aged flirts like Wendy Craig and her admirer in 'Butterflies' from the 1970s. However it just isnt happening, we hold each other at an arms length. I even have a local potential good pal, who I find I am afraid to befriend further, and he explained our friendship to a bystander once we did meet up socially at a party, as an FB thing , we Faced together, but I had some issue with being shy and insecure. It was a very weird feeling, as if we know each other and respect each other in cyberland, but I need a distance and time in real life, That the usual social approach and queues have broken down and cannot be made up for once we went so far in our acquaintancship on line.
It is a little different with on line dating, and you guessed it I am soon to embark upon that route, enough 35 plus ladies on the apps now to allow for several hours of left swiping a week I see. A friend of mine uses Tinder and some more local market apps. It is like shopping for mobile telephones. You get all the info, you check out the model is right for you, the economics seem right (cash strapped single mum meets salaried man, has to be said sorry but true) and when you first get it in your hands it is instantly rewarding. A tactile experience where you get to try all the complicated applications you used to have to spend far more time getting to. In other words, you skip a few entree courses at dinner and get down to enjoying a sex life. The trouble here is that you both know enough about each other to be a little dangerous. You have your Tinder chat for a while, and you look up each other's time line. At middle age you know your socio-economic direction and are comfortable within those ambitions and social class. So the handset looses its appeal, you realise it is a used model with a few scratches on the screen from earlier misuse or accident. Some of the apps dont actually work as well as you expected, and some stop working after the phone gets a larger load on its processor.
You realise you have taken short cuts and that it is all too easy to cut short, so being a good consumerist, you sneek back on Tiinder to see just in case that you are still in-the-market. You find each other's profile there, previously deactived during your cyber catalysed whirlwind romance, and you part company with a lets-just-BF. You are back shopping. It all happens again. In becomes a transaction, with recylcling of product as the end point. It is all too easy to change your tariff and get a different model which is sexier or costs you less, or is easier to use, or whose batteries last longer.
This happens because relationships are organic, flesh and blood, and we choose to maybe show a little less of our lives to the other in person, and let the flirting and romance drive it forward. However that said, the alternative for over 30s used to be Spanish evening school of those bloody Salsa classes everyone was going to in the naughties once their divorce papers came through, or their hair line reached a height of crisis. You take a short cut of trust when you cyberdate, you build up in other words a good deal of commonality and comfort in deciding to real world date. You have let yourself walk over an imaginary bridge, thinking you both leave your baggage on each bank. You have passed into an area where you are over familiar, over prepared, over eager, over convinced......Some steps, some exchanges of small signals, have been missed. I was you may not be surprised, early out with internet daing, using the 'wall' on the infamous Cybercafe in Edinburgh, Scotland. I met one particularly unhinged young lady who brought a whole enterage of girls with her, one of which I liked and got a long a lot better with ,but she lived 30 miles away so I dropped that line of attack. I was an unashamed young, upwardly mobilish professionalish person then anyway, and decided cyberdating was a silly place, where you could window shop but not get a personal recommendation nor that little love-at-first-sight we experience all our lives, whether or not we do anything with it or not. I have never internet dated since, but did of course use e/mail for my long distance relationship, which frankly always seemed to be better from her side in e-mail, where she was a kind, giving, loving and youthful person, not the grumpy cow she is in real life , and whom I have parted company with after 14 years.
However it is probably not always the case that Cyberdating is too virtual, and those I know who Tinder like above, over the age of 35, are probably a little bit to non committal. You see cyberdated couples hook up for a while and then unravel, but often the next internet instigated romance leads to a new partnership with someone who is a little more screened for compatibility than the previous drunken sex interviews which were dating in the old world of flesh and blood. Like e/mail when it first really took off in business, it lead to far more face to face meetings and sales reps who suddenly lived in the business lounges and transatlantic economy plus seats. It lead to some price parity where before there were far too many cosey high margin local market deals struck on the golf course. It lead most of all to companies consolidating their supply chains and cutting out middle men. Which is a little parallel to dating on line. You can meet a wider market,. some extra romance with the arrival lounge reunion, and you get to screen who you date a little more than which drinking hole you spilt drinks on the other in, or how they were dressed on that night, or if they were ovulating or so on or so on.
Perhaps the thing is that we drop those social qeues and those pheromones when we indulge in social intercourse on the internet. Even between old friends, like I say. But anyway we have to bend with the wind, we neurotic extraverts and chatterboxes.
Here then finally are my tips
1) Start a fresh on FB. Some people just lock down their profile and start a new one in a name a like, using a the opportunity a new mobile phone number presents. Add a middle name, or a nickname in the middle. Some even delete their accounts and start afresh. An alternative is to message all your pals and leave a public message about a virus, and needing a new profile asap, reinviting all later. Then keep to brevity, important posts only.
2) Use restricted list. This means that some of your FB chums are kept a little in the dark, but not too much, because they see only those posts you choose 'public'. I have an old pal who is a crude and irritatting guy, who I have had to do this with because he is just embarressing and went thorugh phases of trying to bait me. I even had to swtich tagging over to being approced, which is not a bad idea but not good if you want to be a little profiled and on news lines. Restricted then is good for colleagues, new FB aquaintances, old flames, and good freinds who post little and like little, but lurk around. It has to be noted that it also restricts what you see automatically of them, but it is assymetrical. Acquaintances is not quite as good in these terms, but you can choose in the pull down each time to exclude that list.
3) Re-post Memes and links most often only in private interest groups you are with. This will help reduce your burden on long suffering friends while keeping you in the hotline of viral meme spreading amongst the converted in these groups.
4) Avoid commenting on public walls & posts from organisations which are public, unless you have friends on there. Very often you will find a private group with the same interests. From these private groups, befriend people who live near enough to you that you will meet up/ see below, or test them out to see if they can have interesting messenger conversations.
5) Allow for tagging yourself, and use tagging to reach a wider audience. If you have experienced Facebook anonymity, neigh ignomosity, then this is a way to creep back into social intercourse, and if you restrict your public postings to nicey or importanty on your wall, then you will get people flicking you off 'unfollowed' to 'follow' once more. Be light handed with it! once or twice a week with differing friends each time, or during a special event you can do get away with some 'density' but you will also get tagged yourself if you start the ball rolling.
6) Use Messenger carefully to 'catch up' . Say that you dont get much if anything on your newsfeed from them, the reverse being true, and wanted to catch up. Keep the scentences short, and sense if the conversation is a little strained. Usual times you would have phoned a pal in the old days to catch up apply - Friday after 1 pm, sunday night. Then just suggest you follow each other again on FB to keep in touch, make sure we select follow.
7) Get on the phone, get down the pub. There is no excuse for endless cyberchatting and then avoiding each other with 'busy' tonight. Don't use FB messenger or Skype, Facetime esepcailly not as it is default video, without express invitation or a discussion about it and how it may be worth a try instead of all this typing. When you do go out, keep your phone on flight or silent mode until an opportune time for a double selfie and then tag each other. Hah, we have a real social life.
8) Do get involved with more local area on line groups and local dating apps and sites instead of having cyberfriends you will never meet. These groups often have meetings or why not suggest a meet up, find a venue willing to have a pile of people turn up on a saturday late afternoon is best if alcohol is involved, Sunday late morning for outdoors or sporty stuff, Tuesday or Wednesday forr poltical interests etc.
The point on 7 and 8, is that you, like me, need to get out more. You are using social media and have become a junky because it is a quick, easy, ersatz means of feeling a little more connected to people and having your ideas and opinions recognised. Be challengeabkle in those opinions, and not like the polarised internet land. I have had many an interesting conversatioon in the pub about economics, politics, scottish independence where there have been protagonists and opponents, and where me and others play devils advocate a little to help our more stubborn and decided pals to see alternative view points That just does not happen on line, it is too easy to be polarised, preach to the converted or avoid a discussion by cutting it short. I have never had a good down the pub discussion really in postings or via Messenger chat with like minded folk. Just one or two get near, and one seems a little of a false profile for someone who maybe knows more about politics and politicians than they care to be open about.
Also it is very cool to meet up with old friends and have surprising news, or just general chat which has not all been covered by facebook postings. I struggle a little actually with some impetuous pals who want me to just pop on a jet and see them. In fact it sours our internet relationship! But being local is good. Also another thing on that point, is not to befriend your new found mates' friends on line until you actually know them a little. Make sure you people know you are sociable and up for invitations to social things. Do it more off line, and use on line like the phone books we all used to write on in the days of analogue lines with mechanical diallers. FB and other social media are really best for that - and started as that via Friends reunited and the early, viral days of FB when it seemed dozens of people were gathering friends without doing any posting, or putting other people instantly on ignore after they saw three of their Likes, never to be then heard of again. You dont see if others have you on restricted or acquaintance you see.
It would be maybe cool to have a one to five rating for friends and one to five for acquaintances. FB's alogryhms do somethign there in serving you uip content from others, and delivering you to others newsfeed. I would have my whole home town on 5 lowest acquaintance and then invite them all to follow me again, just to then have the correct level of silent 'dialogue' with them, in that FB would cut what they see from me, but at least they would see some content.
I am going to readdress my online habits and bneing sociable off line, which just used to happen, but now it seems it is harder this year than any year before in my life for some reason. I have an inertia too which others no doubt sense. I am going to then use social mediua to kindle sociability.
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